Breaking Bana
by GintaxAlvissForever
Summary: For MerchantAnna's Parody Contest. Bana wants revenge against Shulk's group after being forced to become the new Heropon for his drug dealing ways. After he tricks Magnus' son into letting him go free, Bana gets the dream team together to start his revenge against Shulk by going after the Smashers. His end goal is to have the entire universe addicted to drugs.
1. The Great Escape

**Breaking Bana**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brothers. That goes to Nintendo. The only characters I own are those from the Golden Land, angels from Skyworld including the royal bodyguards, Angel Assembly and archangels along with all the other angels and of course the witch hunters. I also do not own Queen's Blade as that belongs to Hobby Japan.**

 **Summary: Bana wants revenge against Shulk's group after being forced to become the new Heropon for his drug dealing ways. After he tricks Magnus' son into letting him go free, Bana gets the dream team together to start his revenge against Shulk by going after the Smashers. His end goal is to have the entire universe addicted to drugs. Shulk hates the idea of teaming up with Pit, but he will have to work with the angel captain especially since Pit seems to know who most of these recruits are.**

 **Pairing: Implied Rob/Shulk, Pit/Melia, Reyn/Pittoo/Lucina, Rita (OC)/Viridi, Magnus/Dunban, Sheik/Rob**

 **Rated: T (for teen) and with some M (for mature) content**

 **Genre: Parody, Adventure, Humor, Drama and some Romance**

 **Warning: Drugs, Xenoblade Chronicles spoilers, sexual themes, nudity, swearing, violence and unintentional OOC**

 **This is literally my parody contest entry for MerchantAnna. I don't think it will be done in time due to the fact I got other stories to focus on and coming up with a parody beyond a few chapters is not easy for me. Enjoy!**

Prologue: The Great Escape

* * *

In the world of Xenoblade, there resided a place called Bionis. After the defeat of Zanza, Shulk had rebuilt the world to his image. What exactly transpired is unknown but what we do know is that there is a bigger ocean now! But that's not important!

Up there, high in the Pollen Workshop of the Frontier Village (home of the Nopon), there lived the mysterious Nopon who ran the wheel to make pollen orbs twenty-four seven. But who is this Nopon we might ask? Well, that in itself is a spoiler, so you might want to click back on your tab if you don't want to spoil yourself. But since you already read spoilers at the beginning, it shouldn't be a problem for you.

There was once a Nopon who wanted to be the richest Nopon alive. Nopon were known for becoming merchants, but it was a dangerous job. You could die from the monsters outside of the village or you might not be able to move up the ladder. The Nopons in the village always try to help each other. This Nopon was different. This Nopon wanted to make all the money in the world without giving it back to the village. This was why he turned to Red Pollen Orbs.

By itself, you could create steroids and maybe help people with it. This particular Nopon used it as a drug though. It was very popular with the High Entia (hence their name) so this Nopon became rich from making one of his main trade areas Alcamoth. Alas, most of the High Entia became Telethia, so business dropped almost immediately. Instead of taking his business elsewhere (or he tried to. Tonight was the night he would reclaim his position) the kingpin had blamed it on the Heir to the Monado and the party. They always got in the way of his plans. He wanted to wipe them off the face of Bionis. And he would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for the stupid Heropon Riki.

And thus the kingpin was arrested after the monster that he hatched from an egg (given to him by the Heir to the Monado no less) was slain. Gadada had the perfect punishment for our Nopon. The title of Heropon that Riki currently had would be given to the kingpin for making all that money for himself. Not only was his hard earnings ripped from his little hands, but he was also forced to run on the wench wheel in the Pollen Works to pay back 100 times what he had taken from everyone. He would be forced to work for twenty-four hours, seven days a week with almost no food and water. Such was the fate of the Nopon…but it was simply a Tragic Decision on the kingpin's part. He wanted to start over after being subjected to this hell…if only he could turn back the clock.

…Nah. That's not in Bana's character. Every day he ran on the wheel and treated like a slave, only one thing ran through his mind. Revenge on the Hom-Hom group and Riki for ruining his life. If he could just escape, then he could start over. He needed to show Bionis what would happen when you messed with the drug dealer. He wanted his money back. He wanted the Red Pollen Orbs, the High Caviar and beer. He would get it all back if he could just escape…

…And this is the story of Bana's great escape out of the Frontier Village and into the universe.

* * *

Let's start with the mother fuckers who are 95% responsible for the problems the universe is currently facing: The Golden Land. Why isn't it 100%? Well, you can blame 3% on the aliens, 1.5% on the angels and the really small percent on the Gods surprisingly. Yes, the demons are free from sin by this logic, but that's beside the point! The only reason this story can even start is because the stupid creator of the universe Prism decided to listen to the Guardian of Nature Dandelion. What's that? You haven't heard of this Guardian before? Well…she hasn't been introduced yet, so better late than never.

This Guardian took the form of a little girl with medium length blue hair and brown eyes. You could call her a Rika or Bernkastel clone because of When They Cry, but she has a hoe as a weapon and she's not afraid to use it. She's probably more obsessed with nature than Viridi, which says a lot, but Dandelion was probably more subtle with her craziness. Today, she would demonstrate why Prism should have taken her more seriously.

So she waltzed her way into the Golden Garden of the Golden Land where Prism was sitting alone and having his tea. He was reading his favorite book _Higanbana in the Red Moon_ and giggling at the tragedies. He made a mental note of which of the side stories he wanted to read afterward unaware that the events in the book have occurred in the past. He stopped when he noticed the little girl in front of him and shut his book.

"What do you want?"

"I want to play a game with you." She said with a cute smile. "I know you love playing games."

"…Not now. I'm reading."

"But I'm bored, and I know you want something interesting to happen in the Smash Brothers Realm."

Dandelion had a point. Prism loved seeing the chaos that spread in Smashopolis one way or another. He was unaware of the madness that happened in each timeline before the Great Evil came around and killed everyone.

"What do you have in mind?"

"I'm glad you asked." Dandelion hummed as her powers started to activate. Prism didn't notice because he was actually listening to what she had to say. "The universe is already messed up, but if you weren't around, everything would fall apart. I want you take a vacation from your duties and allow the chaos to spread just to see how everyone will react to your absence. Don't worry. You'll have a replacement."

Prism honestly didn't do much as the creator of the universe besides finding ways to make male pregnancy possible. He let Raven and the others do his work unless it required fixing actual problems.

"I listened, but it wasn't really interesting." Prism told her simply as he prepared to open the book. "Now run along now back to Ceres. I'm sure she needs someone to fill in the role as her useless daughter of nature."

Harsh. Prism really would eat those words. If Prism said that to anyone else, they would have called his mother, and he would have been grounded. Dandelion continued to smile as the garden started to come alive behind Prism. He only realized too late when the vines of the roses grabbed at his neck. He hissed as he intended to break it with his magic, but something was wrong…very wrong…

"Tee-hee, you let your guard down. You have no power against nature!" Dandelion exclaimed as she had an evil expression that rivaled that of the characters from Higurashi. "I'm sorry creator, but you're going to prison, and I will temporarily take over as the creator of the universe."

"W-What?" Prism managed to croak out. "W-Why? I've…done…my…job…"

"No you haven't, you lazy fuck." Dandelion said as a matter of fact statement. "I'm going to spice some things up. Don't worry, my prison isn't that bad for you…well except the fact you won't have your magic or any WiFi but…"

"NO WIFI?!" Prism nearly screamed as he started to lose oxygen. "YOU'RE A MONSTER!"

"Think of it as a temporary home to rethink your deeds. Think of it as if you're being grounded. Think of it as a small box where you get to watch the madness that will happen when I'm in control." Dandelion told him. "I already have fun plans to spread my weed…err plants across the universe. I just need the chosen one and the dream team to do it, and you wouldn't let it happen anyway…so I'll see you later."

"Wait…you can't…do this to…"

Prism was cut off as the rose that ensnared him suddenly became a Venus Flytrap and swallowed him whole. Apparently, the prison was inside of a rose…or something.

"Ah ha ha ha! I am the new creator!" Dandelion exclaimed as the rose garden around her changed from gold to a blue zircon that surely wouldn't be noticed by the other Golden Land witches/sorcerers. "Now, I will start by breaking out the chosen one out of his prison! I just…need a little…push…"

* * *

Dandelion didn't really need a push. She would only need to teleport him once he was outside of Frontier Village. There was already an idiot who would free Bana from his imprisonment. While one could easily blame Riki for it (he'll take the blame as always) it would be the son of Magnus who would release him.

Rita was his name. He was a pure angel and was often described as a precious cinnabon who couldn't hurt a fly…which was a lie. He was capable of feeling negative emotions that he bottled up inside of him, but he was still very naïve of how the world worked. He believed in second chances and sappy choices that implied otherwise. The best part was that he was the nature angel. Everything comes back to nature and that's what Dandelion loved about this plan.

Rita wanted to go to Bionis and do some research on how the world of Bionis functioned after Shulk had recreated the world in his image with no Gods (except him). Riki had volunteered to show him Frontier Village because it was the place that the sea green angel wanted to see the most. Rita wanted to see how the Nopon used their resources to be a functional society. Plus, he found them adorable.

While Dunban did not trust Riki to be the only one who should be with Rita, Magnus trusted Rita in not doing something foolish. If Magnus was a better parent, he would have gone along with them because Riki sure as hell wasn't going to be watching him when the kid made a huge mistake.

When the two had reached the Frontier Villager after traveling through the blazing Makna Forest, Riki's first priority was to see Oka his little Littlepon leaving Rita to admire the area around him. The Nopon greeted him and treated him as a young High Entia. The nature angel tried to explain that he was actually a being from above, but it didn't register that he was different…besides the fact his wings were the same shade as his hair.

Rita had slowly walked up the tree taking in the scenery. It wouldn't be long until he made it to the fourth floor to see that out of all the happy Nopon, only one was miserable…and he was running on the hamster wheel as Rita thought.

"That's so cute." Rita thought as he approached.

Bana heard him and snarled. "Bana not… _ **-huff-**_ meant for this… _ **-huff-**_ "

Rita noticed that Bana was ready to faint and was intent on helping him out. "What's wrong? Can you tell me your name?"

"Ba…bana…na…"

If Bana just said it fast enough, Rita wouldn't have said this.

"Oh, Banana is your name? What can I do to help? You look like you're dying on the wheel."

"It's…Ba…na…na…" Bana nearly stopped to catch his breath but had to keep working. "Bana can't…do this…anymore… _ **-huff-**_ Bana's freedom…Bana needs it…"

"Why was your freedom taken away?"

"Hom-Hom gang…Heropon…they ruined…Bana's life! _**–huff-**_ They are not…saviors _**–huff-**_ "

Rita tilted his head in confusion. "But…all lifeforms are saved because of Shulk…"

"Lies…Bana's life…is over…because of Hom-Hom _**–huff-**_ Bana need freedom…then Bana can start over…" Bana looked at Rita slightly to see if anyone would believe his lies. He was rather surprised that the nature angel believed every world seeing how exhausted he was.

"W-What do I need to do?"

"Break…wheel…then Bana flee to start life again."

It was amazing at how easily fooled Rita was. Gadada wasn't around, so it would be easy for the sea green angel to show off his magic. Rita took out his Rose staff out and started chanting a spell. The tree that was near the wheel would soon sprout roots that would shake the entire foundation while grabbing the wheel and stopping it in his tracks. Bana ran a little too fast and ended up running the full circle before falling flat on his face. The other Nopon were in a state of panic due to the sudden earthquake.

"You are free now Banana." Rita replied happily. "I'm glad I can help you."

Bana smiled evilly at how stupid this child was. It's like he couldn't help but rub it in how foolish Rita was…even though he could probably get caught after trying to flee during the chaos.

"Heh-heh, silly Bird Boy, Bana is free to do what he wants. Bana will repay you by killing your family."

"…What?"

"Bana will also take revenge on Hom-Hom group and Heropon, but only after his empire returns."

"Wait…what?"

"Bana will be the kingpin again! Adios!"

Despite claiming he was tired, Bana was quick with running away. He wanted to run as far as his little feet would take him. The Nopon would take notice of his escape though and shouted to pursue him. Bana was a free Nopon now. He didn't have to pay his debt the hard way. He would do it the easy way and go far away where people would accept his good deeds.

He wouldn't get far with how Gadada was. He was going to make sure Bana suffer for all he had done. He had blocked the entrance. Bana had nothing when he reached the first floor when it would have been easier to jump down into the small spring. The yellow-green Nopon snarled as his ticket out was blocked.

"Gadada will not let you escape!" He declared. "Gadada will punish Bana for fleeing!"

"Gadada will never take Bana alive!" Bana declared. "Bana will escape!"

That was when Dandelion decided to interfere. A powerful blue light appeared from above. Dandelions fluttered toward the ground before touching the fugitive. Once Bana had touched it, he vanished into the blue light confusing the Nopon.

Guess Chief Dunga didn't prophesize that one, right?

* * *

 **Me: TBC with 2887 words.**

 **Li: What is this?**

 **Me: Madness. Notes!**

 **1\. I had Riki deal the final blow intentionally because it would be funnier. I also made him the one to literally be the reason Bana is free again. Riki, you do one right thing and then one wrong thing…**

 **2\. Bana will now be called Banana by most of the Smashers because of Rita mishearing him. What a great way to be taken seriously.**

 **I think everyone can get some of the references I randomly threw in there. Yes, Prism is now in prison so everything goes to hell really fast. Reviews are appreciated. Ja ne!**


	2. Dream Team Assembled

**Breaking Bana**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brothers. That goes to Nintendo. The only characters I own are those from the Golden Land, angels from Skyworld including the royal bodyguards, Angel Assembly and archangels along with all the other angels and of course the witch hunters. I also do not own Queen's Blade as that belongs to Hobby Japan.**

 **Summary: Bana wants revenge against Shulk's group after being forced to become the new Heropon for his drug dealing ways. After he tricks Magnus' son into letting him go free, Bana gets the dream team together to start his revenge against Shulk by going after the Smashers. His end goal is to have the entire universe addicted to drugs. Shulk hates the idea of teaming up with Pit, but he will have to work with the angel captain especially since Pit seems to know who most of these recruits are.**

 **Pairing: Implied Rob/Shulk, Pit/Melia, Reyn/Pittoo/Lucina, Rita (OC)/Viridi, Magnus/Dunban, Sheik/Rob**

 **Rated: T (for teen) and with some M (for mature) content**

 **Genre: Parody, Adventure, Humor, Drama and some Romance**

 **Warning: Drugs, Xenoblade Chronicles spoilers, sexual themes, nudity, swearing, violence and unintentional OOC**

 **This is literally my parody contest entry for MerchantAnna. I don't think it will be done in time due to the fact I got other stories to focus on and coming up with a parody beyond a few chapters is not easy for me. Enjoy!**

Chapter 1: Dream Team Assembled

* * *

Dandelion had made sure everything was ready when she brought Bana toward her. This included running all of Prism's friends and family out of the Golden Palace. Granted, she will never use the palace. She would rather stick with the Golden Garden, Golden Swamp and the Abandoned Castle as her headquarters. Bana expected his savior to be a God. He was disappointed that it was a small child instead.

"Bana not pleased that there are more Hom-Hom involved." Bana grumbled. "Bana want to know what Hom-Hom has done."

"I haven't done anything…yet…" The blue haired girl spoke as she took a seat where Prism would normally sit. "Now, before you go on and become the savior of the universe, let us introduce ourselves. I am the Guardian of Nature Dandelion. I know you are the Kingpin Bana. You are the chosen one for my mission."

"…Chosen one?"

"I want you to take your mighty influence and spread it throughout the galaxy."

"Influence?"

"I'll just tell you now. We're running late on schedule. Since I am in control of the Golden Land, I order you to make everyone addicted to drugs. If everyone is obsessed with stuff like weed, then they will come to me and worship me. As the Guardian of Dank…Nature…they would want my resources. They will worship the ground I am on…and no one will oppose me ever again."

Bana listened carefully to the little girl's words. All he got from this is that if he worked with her, he would be able to continue his occupation as a Kingpin and not have to run the stupid wheel again. If he played his cards right, he might be able to exact his revenge.

"Hom-Hom cannot expect Bana to do this all alone." Bana began. "Bana lost everything because of Heropon and group. Bana needs a new group of pawns to use."

Dandelion just smiled when he said he needed a team.

"Fortunately for you, I have the team assembled for you. If we were to walk out of the garden and head to the Abandoned Castle, you will be able to meet them in person. They are all…unique…in their own ways."

"When did Hom-Hom do this?"

"I am a Guardian, and I did this just now. I hope you'll be able to get along."

Because of the format of the story and the power of the Golden Land, Dandelion could literally do what she wanted. There still needed to be an explanation to the group that she had teleported away from their worlds. She felt like the seven sins had to come into play, but they all had to be greedy one way or another. If money is on their mind when spreading the drugs around, then they will be an unstoppable team.

"Take Bana to his new pawns!" The yellow-green Nopon ordered.

Dandelion obeyed as she got off the chair and headed east (since she was facing south when she had warped Bana to her). If it was any other person, they would have admired the garden that Prism had spent countless centuries making. Granted, the garden had been there since the very beginning, but someone as irresponsible as Prism enjoyed his garden more than any other place in the Golden Land…even his own room.

The Abandoned Castle is exactly a tragic sight to behold. This was the place where Prism's brother Cube had previously ruled. The Golden Palace was placed in the opposite direction so Prism wouldn't have to be reminded of the past.

But Prism is now the past now that he had been sent to prison and his friends have been run out of the Golden Land according to Dandelion herself! This meant that she could trash this place and use it as a base. Give it a few days, and the place will be tidied up to her liking.

Outside the castle, Bana could see a bunch of people gathered. He concluded they were all Homs judging from their appearance alone. The major difference was how they had wild hair colors. Three girls had red hair of different shades, one guy had blue hair and one had white hair…apparently. Then you had two Italians with one of those Pinatas from Isle Delfino behind one of them. Finally you had two stuffed animals hovering above the redheads wanting to eat them when their master wasn't around to lecture them.

"Bana likes the diversity in hair colors." Bana stated the obvious.

"I'm always thinking about diversity. You all are the chosen ones who will reshape how the universe works with the weed." Dandelion hummed as she called them all over. "Hey, I have brought your leader and savior here!"

Bana liked being appointed as the savior of the universe even if he just wanted to make money. The youngest of the three redheads spoke up.

"Does our leader's goal include making money?"

"Of course, Anna. I chose carefully." The blue haired child answered.

"Yes!" The girl known as Anna cheered as dollar signs appeared in her eyes.

"Alright everyone, it's time to start telling us your names." Dandelion started. "I'll go first. I am the recruiter and current (and soon to be permanent) ruler of the Golden Land. I am the Guardian of Nature, Dandelion who formerly served under the Goddess of Love Ceres. When this mission starts, I can finally tell her to kiss my ass."

"I am Bana the original Kingpin, and your savior." The yellow-green Nopon spoke.

"They call me Merchant Anna. I am currently traveling around the universe making money. I do sell fishsticks, love potions and crack. I also have a lot of haters." The young redhead merchant introduced.

"I am Black Mario or Dark Mario. I am a relative of the evil Mario Mario. I am in charge of the Pinata mafia. This mafia is my best-a bro False. My cousin has prevented me from selling my drugs. I must-a getta rid of Mario Mario in order to be the best Mario." Said the black alternate color of Mario.

"Veeee, and I am Parallel Italy 13! I hate my pussy self from the main Hetalia universe! Imma bad! Imma evil! And I know how to fight like a mafia man, vee~" The one from the anime universe known as Parallel Italy 13 declared. Unlike his goofy counterpart, his eyes were open and sinister. Bana felt like he could trust this man.

"…I am the Duchess of Flowers…Gelato Valentine." The oldest and most beautiful redhead said as she took her cigar and puffed some smoke. "I'm not as interested as money as I am with sexy products." She said that with an evil grin. Sexy products did not mean makeup or anything from Victoria's secret. She must have been referring to humans who would make perfect slaves…best to not ask about it.

"I am Belphe!" The stuffed red teddy bear started.

"I am Dogor!" The stuffed green frog added.

"Together we are Belphegor!" They both finished.

It was hard to believe they were the Demon Prince of Sloth. If they were turned into stuffed animals, they probably weren't powerful. They would be perfect cannon fodder though seeing how weak they appeared.

"I am Dante. The new, improved one." The one with the bleached white hair said.

"Actually, his name is Dino or Not Dante." Anna interrupted.

"Fuck you!"

"That proves my point that you are a faker."

To not confuse the cool Dante, the imposter will be named Dino. Dino flipped the bird at the merchant for causing the author to change his name despite introducing himself as the real Dante.

There was only a certain trio left. They always say, "Save the best for last." This wasn't necessary a good thing because it meant a longer introduction that was rather unnecessary in retrospect.

"To protect the world from devastation."

"To unite all people within our nation."

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"

"To extend our reach to the stars above!"

"Jessie!"

"James!"

"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now, or prepare to fight!"

"Meowth that's right!"

"Wobbfuffet!"

There was this awkwardly long pause at the presence of Team Rocket. Slowly, Bana turned toward Dandelion and asked. "Bana does not like them."

"They will be the first ones gone when the author gets the chance to remove them." Dandelion coughed at Team Rocket's introduction. She knew they were only interested in capturing Pikachu, so they would be useless in the long run. They would be the perfect distraction to get the plot started. "Alright, now that we have all introduced each other, let us create a drug ring right here and talk about what the plan is."

The Dream Team literally formed a circle and talked about dank and how to get back at the Smashers. In Bana's mind, he already knew who he could use and who to look out for. Dandelion's plan was to lure some Smashers in a false sense of security and get them addicted. The Smashers would ruin everything if they did not do this correctly. They would also need some hostages too to make sure they make a clean getaway the first time around. Finally, they would need to spread out quickly in order to force their influence on everyone.

You could say the world…was getting **dank** now.

* * *

 **Me: TBC with 2529 words.**

 **Li: And thus the Dream Team was assembled.**

 **Me: I wonder how Captain Pit will do against this impossibly good team. Notes!**

 **1\. The Abandoned Castle was actually in top condition shown in some of the stories that occur 2000 years previously. Although in Addiction, Pandora went to the Golden Mansion instead and that place is also abandoned. In general, most of the locations are abandoned because of Prism's inability to want to make amends with his past. When you think of an abandoned castle though, you can see plants and vines growing all around it to show how badly the place aged.**

 **2\. Here is the list of characters if you didn't get it already for the Drug Team.**

 **Dandelion is my OC and is the Guardian of Nature. I describe her as looking like Rika/Bernkastel from the When They Cry franchise to get a better image instead of going out of my way to describe their appearance. If this wasn't a parody, there would be a better description.**

 **Bana is from Xenoblade Chronicles.**

 **Merchant Anna is from Fire Emblem (and the jokes are there. No brownie points since Anna saw this coming after he made the birthday present I never wanted. Kappa.)**

 **Black Mario is the black alternate costume of Mario in Smash 4. I wanted to make the joke about how I made Mario and Dr. Mario related so I literally made Mario's last name his first name…and he'll never speak of it. I'm also making a joke about the dark "evil" twin, which Dark Pit obviously isn't but people will insist on it because they never played Uprising.**

 **Also, the name of the Pinata "False" is a species of holly. Its name is False Alder.**

 **Parallel Italy is a reference to the Hetalia 2010 Christmas Bloodbath. That event was so memorable I never forgot about what made it so magical to only get six hours of sleep to wait for an update…only to get trolled because Himapapa messed up the page to where the update never showed up. In the actual comic, there was only Parallel France 23 and Parallel Spain but Parallel America is mentioned. Because the Parallel nations have a different personality from the actual nations, I decided to parody the Mafia!North Italy interpretation that the fandom likes to latch onto in some stories. Also do not ask for a Hetalia story or any cameo of anyone from Hetalia. This is a one-time thing because of the dimension jumping and Prism not being in charge.**

 **Gelato Valentine is from the Witch and the Hundred Knight which is by Nippon Ichi (thus there is representation in the Disgaea universe). She is chapter 3 and 4's main boss and I will always find it hilarious how she is considered more decent compared to the later witches you meet in the game and Gelato is very nasty, borderline psycho lesbian. Then again, her stage is literally the love distract and love castle so yeah…her introduction is different because I'm implying that she might be one of the few villains in this group taken very seriously.**

 **Belphe and Dogor are from Queen's Blade and are Aldra's summon. They are away from her, so they think they can do whatever they want. They're' very dangerous and in the actual series is not comic relief, but seeing as how they are stuffed toys…**

 **Dino is from DmC and a daily reminder the real Dante is in my universe wandering around Smashopolis when he's not in his world.**

 **Team Rocket is from the Pokémon anime. Red and Pikachu are a combination of the anime and game (and Team Rocket did show up in Pokémon Yellow), so their motto is based on generation I despite the fact I would have gone with generation V for their motto…but since they're comic relief…it's generation I.**

 **That's it. Reviews are appreciated. Ja ne!**


	3. Initiate the Plan

**Breaking Bana**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brothers. That goes to Nintendo. The only characters I own are those from the Golden Land, angels from Skyworld including the royal bodyguards, Angel Assembly and archangels along with all the other angels and of course the witch hunters. I also do not own Queen's Blade as that belongs to Hobby Japan.**

 **Summary: Bana wants revenge against Shulk's group after being forced to become the new Heropon for his drug dealing ways. After he tricks Magnus' son into letting him go free, Bana gets the dream team together to start his revenge against Shulk by going after the Smashers. His end goal is to have the entire universe addicted to drugs. Shulk hates the idea of teaming up with Pit, but he will have to work with the angel captain especially since Pit seems to know who most of these recruits are.**

 **Pairing: Implied Rob/Shulk, Pit/Melia, Reyn/Pittoo/Lucina, Rita (OC)/Viridi, Magnus/Dunban, Sheik/Rob**

 **Rated: T (for teen) and with some M (for mature) content**

 **Genre: Parody, Adventure, Humor, Drama and some Romance**

 **Warning: Drugs, Xenoblade Chronicles spoilers, sexual themes, nudity, swearing, violence and unintentional OOC**

 **This is literally my parody contest entry for MerchantAnna. I don't think it will be done in time due to the fact I got other stories to focus on and coming up with a parody beyond a few chapters is not easy for me. Enjoy!**

Chapter 2: Initiate the Plan

* * *

We now go back to our heroes of the Smash Brothers Realm. First, we need to go into detail of what happened to Rita without wasting too much time.

The poor kid was accused of being an accomplice to Bana and was subjected to powering the wheel. Riki was also blamed and his debt went up yet again. Pit would hear about this almost immediately and would be furious at the treatment that the Nopon subjected Rita too. Magnus was far from pleased as well especially since Riki was supposed to be watching him so he wouldn't do anything foolish. Both Shulk and Dunban ended up being dragged back to Frontier Village to "negotiate" with Chief Dunga and Gadada.

"My kid needs to stop working. He's fragile." Magnus had told Gadada.

"Too bad. There is no replacement for Bana!"

"Angel face, what about those other angels from the tenth division?"

Shulk looked at Pit in horror when he saw how the light angel actually considered throwing other children under the bus for Rita. Of course, Pit wasn't doing a good job at negotiating with the Nopon so what ended up happening was that the entirety of the tenth division had to work to pay for the damage caused by Rita with little to no pay like a Prinny. They would only be released if Bana was returned to them. Riki's debt would keep collecting the longer Bana was out thus would force Riki to search the entire universe for one criminal. Shulk felt bad for the nature angel more than Riki and had volunteered to help. Naturally, he could only get help from Rosalina seeing as how Palutena had other problems concerning the Golden Land.

The only reason Pit hadn't listened to Magnus in terms of searching for the Kingpin was due to the fact that there were other problems going on specifically the disappearance of Prism and the Golden Land being closed off to everyone. Palutena had suspected betrayal on Ceres' end and had forced Pit to infiltrate her realm shortly after sending the tenth division to child labor.

"Where are my Guardians?!" Ceres had screeched when Palutena easily got Pit to infiltrate his realm. "Juliet! Soprano! Dandelion! Scorch! WHERE ARE YOU?"

This could be explained easily. Juliet and Soprano were in the Underworld (and she was unaware of this), Scorch was nowhere to be found and Dandelion...well...she's the one who closed the Golden Land off.

"They left you to fend off for yourself." Pit joked as he made it through her defenses rather easily. Without the seventeen Guardians who were normally watching Ceres, she was a pushover. "Now tell us why the Golden Land is closed off to everyone?"

"I have no idea! I need to find my daughter! I do not have time with you! Get out!"

Pit rolled his eyes at how the Goddess of Love wasn't going to cooperate with them. The day was wasted and so was the Power of Flight that day. He ended up back at the mansion with no clues still.

Bionis and the Smash Brothers Realm were not on the same clock though. It was more apparent with how Prism was not in control. While Rita only started to pay off his debt and Riki vowed to bring back Bana, it had been a couple of days in the mansion and things were already different. You could feel it in the air…actually…you could smell something was amiss.

Pit didn't like the smell at all. The worse was how it was in his room for no reason. It smelt like a dead plant. No matter how much he aired out the room, the smell was strongest on the bed. The smell apparently reached Palutena as she complained about it.

In general, a lot of Smashers have filed complaints but only a few Smashers seem to act like a totally different person. Someone was bound to get caught eventually.

And of course, the person who got caught was Luigi. He was shown giving coins to a Pinata for weed. Samus was so quick to grab him with her grapple and pin him down. To say Mario was disappointed was the understatement of the century.

"Why would you turn to drugs?!" Mario questioned his brother in rage.

"I wanted to feel good!" Luigi exclaimed. "And there are others in the mansion that agree!"

And that opened the door of who was on the side of good and who was on the side of evil. Pit's heart sank when he realized that Dark Pit was taking drugs. However, it wasn't the same thing Luigi bought. It looked like the red pollen orbs that were made in Frontier Village. How did Dark Pit come up with this stuff? He would ask later…

Of course, what ended up happening was that Pit was told that Dark Pit had recently started skipping his prayers at Smash Church. He would avoid Melpha and Sigui and hang out in Smashopolis or even in Smash Forest with a few others. Pit's heart sank realizing that the people he trusted his younger twin with would soon be responsible. He wanted to fire Arachne and Kaguya on the spot while giving Lucina a firm lecture on why she failed at being his knight.

Then again, they all got caught rather easily. Samus was not playing around with catching the Smashers and sending them to Master Hand. There was a pattern though on who was doing drugs and who wasn't. Luigi wanted the drugs to feel good, but then you got some odd choices like Mr. Game and Watch and Doug who were snorting it and selling it. Little Mac was using the drugs as steroids to do better against Captain Falcon, but that still wasn't enough. Samus was rather disappointed with him, but the more Smashers that were reported to Master Hand, the more he realized someone was allowing this to happen.

On the day Dark Pit's group got caught was when things would be answered. Chrom had never seen Lucina like this before. Exposed to these drugs in a short period of time made her sport some sunglasses, a cigar and a really cheap hat from Hot Topic that Lucas must have bought her. Lucas wore something similar only he dyed his hair black to appear edgy. Reyn…was still Reyn as sad as that sounds. He just sounded like he was high on memes. It was "REYN TIME" this and "REYN TIME" that. Shulk wondered why the bloody hell Waluigi was there telling him the correct time.

"IT'S WALUIGI TIME!"

"NO IT'S REYN TIME!"

If Rob was there, he would have told them it was time to tip the scales. Shulk hadn't seen the white haired tactician for the past couple of days, but seeing as how he was actually working with Viridi to figure out where Bana was, he didn't pay much heed to his roommate. Unlike Pit's room, there was no signs that drugs have been used, so Shulk could confirm that the male tactician was staying far away from this. However…seeing Lucina like this…

"Lucina, why?" Chrom asked her in disbelief. "What would your mother think?"

"420, your daughter cannot be found!" Lucina declared. "Party hard, Lucas!"

Lucas was too young to be taking drugs. He needed more help than any of them. Looking at the group, Kaguya looked normal on the surface…but the fact she was speaking in first person showed that something was definitely wrong. As for Arachne…she was only drinking…not taking drugs. So she literally was doing nothing wrong. Dark Pit cried when Pit reclaimed the red pollen orbs that were in his hands.

"GIVE THE RED POLLEN ORBS BACK PITSTAIN!"

"NO! WHY WOULD YOU TURN TO DRUGS?!"

"I WANT TO BE COOL!"

"THIS ISN'T COOL! IN FACT, I'M GROUNDING YOU!"

"YOU CAN'T GROUND ME! THAT'S STEALING SOMEONE'S IDEA!"

"I'M YOUR BIG BROTHER SO I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!"

"AND I HATE BIG BROTHER! WAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Dark Pit made the most obnoxious noises possible in order to get his way. Pit just wanted to throw the dark angel on the ground and spank him in front of everyone. Instead, he would wait and the Smashers who were together would drag their sorry asses back to the entrance of Smash Brothers Mansion. Dark Pit, Lucina and Lucas kicked and screamed the entire way (mainly because of how Samus was handling them) while Reyn went willingly if only because he was still arguing with Waluigi. Cory hated the idea of having to carrying Kaguya like a princess. She wasn't even a Smasher, so for her to get this treatment was insulting. Corrin snickered at his elder sister. He turned into a dragon and allowed Arachne to ride on his back, so he had no problem with the drunken spider girl.

Shulk had noticed that many of the Smashers gathered in front of the mansion due to Master Hand's order. He needed to tell everyone what was going on and why the drugs were becoming more prevalent in Smashopolis. As the great hand he was, he should have been able to stop the drugs that were coming in, but his senses have failed him except when the smell was already in the mansion and the damage was being done right in front of him.

"Michiko, are you going to explain why the Golden Land is closed off?" Palutena questioned not really pleased with how the days have been since the last time Prism had communicated with her. "Or are we all going to be kept in the dark?"

"Wait! Not all the Smashers are here!"

Master Hand was in his human form, so he couldn't project as voice as loudly as he would if he were a hand. Shulk counted the Smashers and noticed that Ryu, Wario and Peach were missing. He noticed Melia in the crowd though and wondered why she was here without Fiora by her side.

"Shulk, I'm here because Princess Peach asked me to come." Melia told the seer simply. "I have no idea why she would want me here of all people, but it must concern this drug ring."

"And yet...Peach is late…" Zelda could be heard groaning. "I'm not surprised."

"Queen Zelda, do you have an idea where your friend is?"

"I do...it is Tuesday after all."

The minute Tuesday was brought up, the majority of the Smashers sighed. Not everyone was aware of the implication of this day of the week, but it was far from pleasant. Before Melia could ask why Tuesday was an important day for Peach, the earth began to shake.

"YOU SMASHERS ARE ALL FOOLS TO BE GATHERED IN ONE PLACE!" A voice projected. "NOW YOU WILL WITNESS THE RISE OF BANA THE KINGPIN!"

In retrospect, Bana showing up should have made Shulk's job way easier. Just defeat him and turn him back into the Frontier Village and release Rita. That wasn't happening when Bana is with his crew.

The Dream Team drove through the air using a huge purple vehicle with Bowser's sigma on it. The group was diverse consisting of a team of Nopon, humans, demons and whatever the fuck Dino was. Only a few of the Smashers could recognize the faces of evil. Rob's expression paled seeing a familiar redhead.

"ANNA?!"

This wasn't the same Anna who saw him naked at the hot springs. She knew who he was though since the other Anna told her about Rob's wee-wee though.

"OH! YOU'RE MR. SHORTCAKE ANNA WAS TALKING ABOUT!" Anna declared. "How was the love potion?"

Rob's face turned a bright shade of red as he shook his head. "I have no idea what you're talking about...get down from there! You're on the wrong side!"

"Wrong side? I'm on the side of money!" Anna declared. "And this little Nopon is our lord and savior."

Red looked at her as he was this close to getting Lord Helix out of his backpack and demanding she take back those words. However, his mind was focused on Team Rocket.

"TEAM ROCKET?!"

Team Rocket smirked seeing the twerp with his Pikachu. This was their biggest chance yet to steal Pikachu. Bana would not allow that.

"Our goal is drugs! Not rats!"

"Oh, we'll see about that…" Meowth could be heard hissing behind James. The net bazooka was being prepared as they spoke.

"...So this is the Nopon that has been spreading the drugs?" Palutena had asked Master Hand.

"According to reports, yes. I have gotten his name from Diddy Kong. His name...is Banana."

Shulk facepalmed at how Master Hand should not listen to the little chimp. Everyone gasped at the name and that only caused Bana to rage.

"I AM NOT BANANA! I AM BANA!"

"Rita also said Banana…" Pit murmured to the other Smashers.

"Riki had no idea Bana's real name is Banana!"

"RIKI, YOU STUPID HEROPON!" Bana screamed. "This is why village does not like you!" He glared at Dino who was snickering at his misfortune. "YOU! DINO! YOU GO AND TAKE HOSTAGE TO SHOW WE MEAN BUSINESS! DANDELION'S FIRST MISSION!"

Dino gave him the middle finger as a response. Belphe and Dogor laughed as they hovered around the edgelord. Shadow the hedgehog took one look at the man and felt the world shatter around him. Looking at the mirror had never been so heartbreaking.

"And I thought I was Ultimate Lifeform of edginess."

"You actually had character development though." Sonic snarked. "Don't feel too bad."

Bana didn't like how he wasn't taken seriously. He needed to show everyone he meant business. Perhaps Black Mario could help him.

Mario froze seeing the black alternate costume looking down on him in the stolen vehicle. While Bowser was crying about how they jacked his car when he wasn't looking, Mario pointed toward his evil twin before speaking.

"BLACKIE!"

"That's Black Mario to you." Dark Mario told him. "We meeta again cousin." He snarked. "You have still gained some weight and still no Rosalina Amiibo. You are pathetic."

"Who is this clone?" Pit asked. "I assume he's not like Dark Pit."

"Actually…" Dr. Mario began. "Our last name is Mario. That name has been passed down generation by generation. Mario simply wears the outfits of his cousins with a few exceptions."

"...So Mario Mario...is a thing…" Samus could be heard saying with a sigh.

"Mario doesn't like that name obviously, so it's best not to mention it."

"But that doesn't answer my question if Black Mario is a dark clone." Pit grumbled.

"Don't worry. He ain't like Dark Pit. I should also remind you Pit that he hates being called Kuro Mario. Weeaboo names set him off especially since he's Italian."

Pit snickered at the idea of Dark Pit being called Kuro Pit. It would just be better to call him Crow if it was going to be an insult to his Greek lineage.

Things still weren't going according to plan. The Smashers needed to fear him, but they were just shaking their head in disapproval at the Dream Team assembled. It was at this point the only serious in the group let out an evil laugh. Pit and a few others shivered as Gelato made her presence known. Compared to everyone else in the car, she had this aura that showed she meant business in comparison to everyone else.

"What's the matter, Bana? You can't get these powerful warriors to take you seriously?" She asked as she puffed some smoke. "No problem. We just need a hostage so they wouldn't dare defy us. Am I right?"

Bana did not like answering to someone who was more sinister than he was. She scanned the Smashers staring up at her and smiled. There were gorgeous women that could easily be taken in, but she knew that Bana wanted the person who would affect Shulk the most. She had observed the Smashers and done her research, so she knew who she was going to abduct with her magic. Her magic wouldn't be stopped because she was a powerful witch that the Golden Land needed to respect.

Shulk was horrified when the Duchess of Flowers used her magic to create a rope and grab one of the Smashers to use as a hostage. Of all the people she could have grabbed, she just happened to grab Rob. The male tactician wouldn't have time to react. He could only let out a startled cry as he was yanked off the ground and taken on top of the Bowser Mobile. No matter how much he struggled, he wasn't going to get away from her powerful grip.

"SHULK!" He cried out as Bana let out an evil laugh.

"HA HA HA HA! I HAVE FOUND THE MONADO HOMS' WEAKNESS!" Bana declared happily. "AND WE WILL MAKE SURE NO SMASHER MOVES OR THE TEENAGE HOMS GETS IT!"

"I'm an adult!" Rob cried but it wouldn't take long for Gelato to gag him so she wouldn't have to hear him snap. "Gnng!"

"ROB!"

If any story has taught you about Shulk, it was his protectiveness of his friends specifically Rob. The seer wasn't going to let Bana get away with hurting someone he cherished deeply. Buster mode was already activated as Shulk was ready to extend the Monado to impale the traitorous Nopon.

"Oh, a boy who likes to show off his long sword." Gelato had mocked as she held Rob in front of her like a shield. "I wonder if it can pierce your little "friend" here."

"We have more hostages too!" Bana added.

Everyone facepalmed when they heard a familiar scream.

"Oh no, Peach!" Mario exclaimed as he looked around to see if he could climb a large tree and then live up to his name as Jump Man.

Zelda was disappointed in the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom. In the darkness of the night, she saw the bag of coins she had in her hands. She had witnessed Peach give the money to the villains before being allowed on the stolen vehicle. Now, she was waving her arms frantically as she was thrown right next to Rob.

Black Mario laughed as he jumped down from the Bowser Mobile in order to punch Mario in the nose. It wasn't just Black Mario either. A sucker punch came from False as he followed after his buddy. It would only take him to whistle on his fingers to summon a horde of Pinata that pushed past many of the Smashers and dog piled Mario. Rob's eyes widened in horror at what was happening, but Peach only looked surprised.

"That's overkill…" He heard her mumbling causing him to mumble something. If the gag wasn't covering his mouth, he would have called Peach out on not being as concerned about her boyfriend being pounded on by a bunch of mafia plants.

This was a literal brawl that Dr. Mario, Bowser, Wario and the Kongs jumped into. It was funny how many of them wanted to save Mario, but they just wanted an excuse to punch Mario in the face while trying to save him. Diddy Kong was getting some hoo-hahs in and Mario was not happy of a little monkey smacking him in the eye.

The Pinatas picked a fight with every Smasher though. They would be the distraction needed for Bana. He just needed to make sure Black Mario and False came back on the Bowser Mobile. In the midst of the chaos, Team Rocket had decided to bail and try to capture Pikachu using their usual tactics (AKA back in the Meowth Balloon they go). They needed to remember though that because the Dream Team required cooperation, going off the intended goal would get them kicked off the team immediately.

So Team Rocket won and lost at the same time and this would benefit Bana because he wins either way. When they shot the bazooka net into the net to grab Pikachu, they ended up grabbing someone who was not a Smasher. If Shulk's focus wasn't cutting down the plants that were getting in the way between him and Rob, then he would have been able to prevent Melia from being taken. In the back of his mind, Fiora was not going to be happy with him.

"UNHAND ME YOU FIENDS!" Melia cried out as she squirmed like a bird caught in a net.

"That's not Pikachu!" James shouted as he continued pulling Melia up.

"DO I LOOK LIKE THAT YELLOW RODENT?!" The High Entia questioned annoyed. "NOW YOU LET ME OUT, OR I WILL BURN THIS NET AND THEN THIS BALLOON THAT YOU THREE ARE ON!"

Red heard Melia's cries for help and had an idea. He could stop Team Rocket and get a girlfriend at the same time (completely unaware Melia was already taken by Fiora). He smirked as he pointed toward Team Rocket's Balloon. "PIKACHU, USE THUNDERBOLT!"

"RED, NO!" Ike could be heard shouting before being punched in the jaw by Black Mario.

It was too late. The rescue mission went sour immediately. Pikachu didn't want to hurt Melia, but he didn't want them to kidnap a "sweet, innocent" girl either. The electric mouse jumped into the air high above everyone and let out a powerful thunderbolt. The net was not electric proof for some strange reason. How did Team Rocket expect to capture Pikachu if the net wasn't meant to capture electric Pokémon?

Melia did not take the shock well and screeched when the powerful bolt hit. Team Rocket was used to the electric shock. The blast radius of Pikachu's power hit some of the Smashers too. Shulk would have been laughing at Reyn getting hit if Melia wasn't taking the full force next to the electric rat. The blond had avoided the lightning strikes, but Rosalina's Luma wasn't so lucky. It made out a sad cry as it vanished.

"EXCUSE YOU, RED!" Rosalina hissed.

"I AM SAVING EVERYONE!" Red declared.

He wasn't. Team Rocket's balloon burst again though, and they were sent flying. They had thrown Melia off because seemed to receive the brunt of it. She was thrown into Dino's arms. The poor girl was ready to faint because she had the least amount of HP of the Xenoblade cast. Dino smirked as he saw those buffoons fly away.

"WE'RE BLASTING OFF AGAIN!"

"WOBBUFFET!"

"Hey, dorks! Thanks for doing my job for me!" Dino shouted as they became a shooting star. "Bana, you happy now?"

"...Those idiots proved useful." Bana admitted. "We leave now. BLACK MARIO! FALSE! WE LEAVE!"

If Rob's hands weren't tied, he would have went over to heal Melia immediately. He couldn't determine if her injuries were serious or not from how the net was fried. Peach was more concerned for the High Entia than the Smashers though. The two gasped feeling the car being started up.

The Mafia Pinatas were done messing with the Smashers. They quickly formed a Pinata ladder that would allow Black Mario and False to run up back into the Bowser Mobile. It was getting crowded at this point with three hostages. If Bana had more time, he would have made off with the beautiful princess Marth or Queen Zelda, but Bana would not take risks again. He had the most important person that Shulk loved and another important person, so this would be considered his revenge.

"Meli!" Riki cried as he tried to run up the Pinata ladder only to get dunked on by the top Pinata who treated him like a basketball. "Oof! Release...Meli…"

"Ah ha! Herpon have weakness too! This is very good!" Bana announced. "Today. Smashopolis. Tomorrow. The universe!"

"Your ambitions are too high." Anna joked. "You can't make everyone addicted in one day. Maybe a week...but a day?"

"BANA WILL TRY!"

"WAIT!" Shulk called out as he activated Jump Monado just when Parallel Italy began to drive off. "ROB! MELIA!"

The Dream Team panicked when Shulk had gotten on top of the Bowser Mobile. No one would be able to move if Shulk brought the Monado down. Bowser looked in horror as the blond was ready to cut his beloved car in two.

"DON'T! I SPENT SO MUCH MONEY ON THAT INSTEAD OF GIVING MY KIDS A CASTLE TO RULE!"

"You are a great father." Ganondorf could be heard mocking the shadows.

Shulk could care less about the car. However, he was stopped when someone grabbed his leg. He almost swung the Monado in that direction, but stopped when he realized it was Peach. The Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom gave the nastiest glare imaginable as she pulled him close and stepped on his foot.

"Oww! Peach, what gives-"

"You do not understand what it means to be a damsel in distress." She spoke rather calmly. "You want to save me and everyone here? You go through hell and back. You don't get save us in the same scene we are captured. Now go back down and get your ass kicked like Mario. See you in a couple of chapters from now."

Shulk's eyes widened in horror when she took her crown off and smacked him in the face with it. There was a reason why her crown wasn't a fair attack. Shulk screamed as he fell slowly to the earth. Bana and everyone on the Bowser Mobile giggled evilly as Parallel Italy sped off into the distance. There was no way for anyone to catch Italy with how fast he was driving. Palutena and Rosalina didn't even have time to react. The Pinatas magically poofed out of existence the minute False wasn't around...almost like they committed suicide so they wouldn't be arrested and questions.

Shulk felt himself losing consciousness. The last thing he heard was Bowser's voice.

"NOOOOOO! MY BOWSER MOBILE!"

* * *

While the magnificent plan was taking place, the witches and sorcerers of the Golden Land actually were not chased out of the palace. Dandelion was simply too lazy to do so. Even then, she didn't have eyes in the back of her head yet, so that meant that unless she grew plants that could watch over Raven and the others' action, she wasn't going to chase them out.

However, it would be easier to hide out in one of the rooms that did not concern Prism's. His room was the worst anyway. It was cramped and had toys scattered everywhere. Raven's library was the best room to hide until things got better. Of course, if Raven had a way to control the large kraken under the palace, Dandelion and the Drug Team would wish they never messed with Prism.

"Samarium, I need you to give me a hand." Raven told the Witch of the Dead as she attempted to use her magic to create a seal that would allow them to hide in their own palace.

Samarium being the jerk zombie he was just threw his hand at her as a response.

"...This is no time for jokes." Raven growled.

"We're in a parody, Raven! I can't help but be a bitch." The cross dressing zombie reminded her.

"I will not be brought down to this level of stupidity." She hissed as she looked at everyone in the room. The room consisted of Cone, Pop, Samarium, Terror, Alfred, K.K. and Starlight. "We need to counter Dandelion with a secret weapon and free Prism from his prison!"

"How do you expect we do that?" Pop asked. "We don't have any authority anymore because of stupid Prism."

"I am still the god damn time traveler." Raven brought up. "I can literally reset time and make sure Dandelion doesn't mess with Prism, but no! A greater power is making me have to resort to summoning some other being from another universe! Dandelion thinks she can take someone from Hetalia for her team? Well, two can play at that game! I will summon someone so powerful that she will literally ruin her plans in one chapter!"

"That's not how it works." Samarium said simply. "I'm an author. I know how it works."

Raven rolled her eyes as she asked the others to gather around so they could summon a powerful being possibly from another anime universe. Raven hated relying on anime, but this would be the only time she would have to use anyone from some fighting anime not Queen's Blade.

There was one problem though. Everyone had to be in agreement on who they wanted to be summoned, so while Raven imagined one person, half of the group imagined something else entirely. Cone may have been a young girl but she had a dirty mind, so of course she wanted something that had to do with tentacles.

The result was something that would disappoint Raven overall, but would get the job done.

"...Alright...who summoned another blue haired lord from Fire Emblem?"

"I don't think she's from Fire Emblem." Alfred the butler stated. "RIP the dream of someone from Lord of the Rings showing up to fight for us…"

This new girl would have introduced herself, but her head was currently faceplanted into the ground. Guess the introduction to her character will have to wait until next time!

* * *

 **Me: TBC with 5531 words.**

 **Li: Imma high.**

 **Me: Too high to comment now? Okay. Notes!**

 **1\. If it wasn't too obvious, everyone in the 10** **th** **division is a child. This is intentional because Pit doesn't want them to be on the battlefield yet, so he has most of them do a lot of cleaning instead. This is honestly no different for them, but now they can all blame Rita for being so naïve.**

 **2\. Yes, I made it apparent that Peach kind of asks to get kidnapped since she does keep a record of how many times she has been kidnapped. I exaggerate that Rob is kidnapped more than her. Like he always gets in trouble, but Peach canonically has been abducted more in comparison to Rob in Awakening who didn't need help at all except in their support conversations (female Robin if married to Inigo in the Hot Spring DLC) and the last chapter. Fanon can be exaggerated though, surprise!**

 **But just for the record, Peach has been kidnapped 27 times in all games she has appeared. In my universe, Rob has been kidnapped or gotten himself in a bad situation at least 23 times and counting. Because it's a parody, I am adding stories I have yet written or would not have occurred yet since** _ **Breaking Bana**_ **is way before** _ **ID: Control**_ **or even before Lana and Cia enter the picture. Obviously, Peach does not want to lose even though most of Rob's kidnappings have always ended in sexual situations he would rather not be in.**

 **3\. Peach's fair kills really early. Shulk was in Jump Monado. You do the math.**

 **That's it. Reviews are appreciated. Ja ne!**


	4. Creating the Anti-Dream Team

**Breaking Bana**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brothers. That goes to Nintendo. The only characters I own are those from the Golden Land, angels from Skyworld including the royal bodyguards, Angel Assembly and archangels along with all the other angels and of course the witch hunters. I also do not own Queen's Blade as that belongs to Hobby Japan.**

 **Summary: Bana wants revenge against Shulk's group after being forced to become the new Heropon for his drug dealing ways. After he tricks Magnus' son into letting him go free, Bana gets the dream team together to start his revenge against Shulk by going after the Smashers. His end goal is to have the entire universe addicted to drugs. Shulk hates the idea of teaming up with Pit, but he will have to work with the angel captain especially since Pit seems to know who most of these recruits are.**

 **Pairing: Implied Rob/Shulk, Pit/Melia, Reyn/Pittoo/Lucina, Rita (OC)/Viridi, Magnus/Dunban, Sheik/Rob and Pit/Rob**

 **Rated: T (for teen) and with some M (for mature) content**

 **Genre: Parody, Adventure, Humor, Drama and some Romance**

 **Warning: Drugs, Xenoblade Chronicles spoilers, sexual themes, nudity, swearing, violence and OOC**

 **This is literally my parody contest entry for MerchantAnna. I don't think it will be done in time due to the fact I got other stories to focus on and coming up with a parody beyond a few chapters is not easy for me. Enjoy!**

Chapter 3: Creating the Anti-Dream Team

* * *

Bana was so glad that Parallel Italy was on his side. This motherfucker could drive like crazy and take them back to the Golden Land in record time. Belphe and Dogor looked sick though despite being stuffed animals.

The Abandoned Castle was simply perfect for keeping people hostages. Dandelion had used the time the Dream Team was away to create the castle in her own image. It was no longer a worn out castle, but was made with dark blue marble instead of golden bricks and the glass was replaced with stained glass. The pictures seen in the stained glass were of the Dream Team minus Team Rocket. Dandelion was correct that they wouldn't last one chapter, so she didn't need to elevate them. If anyone else failed to do their part, she would not hesitate to shatter the glass that represents them.

Italy gave Bana a high five for the successful getaway. The hostages were to be treated like guests but Dino wanted to treat them like luggage given he didn't seem to care about anything.

"You will escort these _ladies_ to their room and you will not raise your voice." Gelato said coldly. "I will not tolerate your punkish attitude."

"Who died and you made you queen?" Dino questioned as he picked his ear.

"Bana, you of all Nopon should know that the goods must be in top condition. You cannot kill the hostage until you get what you want."

"Yes! Bana knows that! Bana knows that well!" Bana exclaimed. "Dino, you and the two dolls must take them to the biggest guest room here!"

Dino growled at a response to the sexy woman giving the order and had ordered the Smashers to follow him. They did not go willingly, so the Pinatas were ordered to carry them to their room. Peach was use to this treatment, but Rob didn't want to be touched by these mafia plants and struggled.

"I can walk!" Rob shouted. "Stop treating me like a princess!"

Melia at least was carried in a way where her injuries wouldn't open. Granted, she was just electrocuted, but treating her like the two Smashers would "damage the goods".

The room the three were taken it would be considered Composer's old room. Granted, the kid was still alive, but he was exiled from the Golden Land along with the rest of the Apostles. The room that was once filled with the most wonderful music would never be entered again until today. Rob would have admired the choice of magical wallpaper used if he wasn't thrown to the floor unlike Peach who they simply dropped after being ordered to do so. With Melia, they had the decency to drop her on the bed before leaving the room. They locked it from the outside, so by the time Rob had gotten up to try and run at the door, they were already locked in. Rob sighed in defeat realizing that he was trapped with the two princesses and would have to sleep on the floor. There was only one huge bed after all…

The male tactician went over to heal the High Entia. One had to wonder how he was able to use healing magic when he was a tactician class. The great thing about Awakening was how you could change your class with a Second Seal at any time. Rob obtained a Second Seal and went the route of a priest for a time in order to support Chrom's army. Robin was the main tactician, so he had no role in said army. Yes, he would eventually go back to his original class, but not after understanding how staves worked and being able to use it. Soon, Rob would be able to break some rules to his universe and be able to heal even when not in a class that couldn't use staves.

"…We should put our heads together once Melia wakes up." Rob began noticing that Peach was searching through the drawers for pajamas instead of finding a way out of the room. "We can't stay here."

Peach shook her head as a response. The magician was taken back at her rejection. The blonde had found what she was looking for and worked her way toward the bed.

"Rob, let me tell you something about professional victimhood." Peach began as she had pulled Rob's ear so he would look at her. He glared at the princess and continued to heal Melia's wounds while she spoke. "You are not allowed to save yourself even if you are capable of doing so. You must have the white knights come in and defend you. You need a villain to constantly keep things entertaining, but when all of that fails, you create your own villain. It's about profit."

"…Are you the Peach I'm used to talking to?" Rob asked darkly. "Or is this your true self?"

"I will let you decide." She told him simply. "I ask you to lay low and not try to escape. You will be hurt if you try to run."

"Implying I can run…" Rob growled.

"No, but you can take advantage of the fact you are a hostage."

"Huh?"

"You see…sometimes when Bowser kidnaps me…I get bored sometimes. If he's not being serious in challenging Mario and is equally bored, we sometimes play board games, or I order his servants around."

Rob could imagine this in his head given that one moment Bowser will kidnap Peach, but then the next goes go karting with her.

"When you finish healing Melia, you should order them around." She finished. "Don't talk to the scary woman with the cigarette. Everyone else is fair game."

The male tactician will take her advice for later. Melia was still top priority. Peach sighed as she looked over to Belphe and Dogor and waved to them.

"Oh, yoo-hoo! Can you two bring us some tea? Make it quick please! This princess doesn't like waiting!"

"Hey! Who said you could order us around?! You're not our boss!"

And Peach demonstrated why she was a dangerous fighter in Smash. She just needed the frying pan to put the two dolls in their place and get them to obey her.

* * *

Back to the Golden Land group, we see that Raven is far from pleased with who was chosen from their combined summon spell over her intended choice to end Dandelion's reign in one go.

"…So, who is this person?" Raven asked the witches/sorcerers. "I wanted One-Punch Man. Why is it some girl instead of a bald hero?"

"…That's not his name." Starlight said in almost a whisper. "You would have to wish for Saitama…"

"She was better off voting for Goku or John Cena." Terror joked only to get him to jump when Raven created a gun with her magic and nearly shot him in the head. "HEY! It's true since it seems like none of us were in mutual agreement!"

"Dammit!" Raven hissed as she looked at the girl below her who was just starting to come to. "I don't want anyone who can't handle Dandelion in one go!"

"We could always…deal with the situation ourselves." Samarium suggested only getting a nasty glare as a response.

"If it was that type of story, we would have done so already, but we need this girl…to do the work for us, but she looks so incompetent!"

Raven was more upset than usual. The Witch of Despair just wanted to get Prism out of prison in all honestly, but she didn't know a thing about the girl she summoned. She could be a future ally, but her paranoia made her think that she would only hinder her mission in saving Prism and obliterating the Great Evil.

"Uh…where…am I…now?"

"Golden Land." Raven answered as the blue haired girl slowly turned her attention to the not so friendly voice. "Who are you? I need to send you to the anti-Dream Team in Hades."

She looked around Raven's library, blinked a few times before she attempted to start her introduction. "I am Zoni Maven! Hero, protector, and savior of Termiria! I am an adventurer that stared death and _Cthulu_ himself in the face and emerged victorious in battle!"

In Raven's mind, she was a braggart. Perfect for Pit to boss around but would not be able to do the job in freeing Prism in one chapter.

"I can also play the tent-"

The girl known as Zoni didn't get to finish her sentence as a black hole was created below her. The bluenette looked so confused as she fell through before finishing up her introduction that Raven asked for.

"HEY! I wanted to know more about her!" Samarium shouted. "You don't cut her off when she's talking about herself! She could have been a great help."

"Well, she will to Pit…hopefully." Raven groaned. "Everyone, we are going to have a perfect summon this time. Save up your energy so we can try again later. We cannot rely on this hero wannabe."

Raven was the harshest person around. Zoni didn't even get a chance to prove her worth, but at least Pit's group would be able to befriend her at least.

* * *

So much ended up happening after the kidnapping, but due to time restraints, a basic summary has to be given.

Most of the Smashers who weren't high were in a state of panic after the declaration that the universe would be addicted to drugs when all was said and done. Pit wanted to blame Viridi because she was the one who would support this evil campaign in the first place. Viridi had rolled her eyes saying that she was not the one spreading the dank across the universe and if the brunette wanted to get stuff done that he would need to work with Palutena and assemble a team to take Bana and his group down. The problem was who could leave immediately.

Pit had crossed out a lot of people he intended to not have on his team since he would be the designated leader. He did not want to be anywhere near Bayonetta, so she could screw off for all he cared. Dark Pit would be unavailable due to him and his group falling to the drugs. He needed Viridi to take care of him…but seeing as how she was more concerned with Rita being forced to take Bana's job, he would have to ask Magnus…and that man was not a happy father.

As much as he didn't want to ask for his help, Shulk would have to be part of this group. Bana was his and Riki's problem, so with the kidnaping of Rob and Melia combined with Bana's escape, Pit HAD to rely on the blond's knowledge on the culprit. Shulk wasn't really that pleased either. They needed a mediator, so they wouldn't kill each other during the mission.

This is why Roy came into the picture. He hasn't snorted the drugs yet, and wanted to help out in any way he could. In reality, he just wanted to find an excuse to burn the drugs that he would uncover on this journey unaware that things would only get worse if he used the drugs to create a bonfire. If Chrom found out, he would tell the Young Lion that Frederick would be proud of him. Pit had no objections only because he felt like having someone besides the people of Bionis would keep him saner.

"You should take my brother too." Cory had suggested to Pit as he was about to make another suggestion to Palutena about who else to bring along. "No offense, but Roy is not to be trusted. The look in his eyes tells me he won't be a good mediator."

"Oh?"

"I'm a good judge of character. With what's happening now, you're going to need it."

"...But your brother is an idiot."

"He has a good judge of character too. You'll be surprised at how competent he'll be…"

As soon as she said that, the two could hear a loud dragon roar followed by Wario running off declaring he has succeeded in sticking a tack on the floor. The poor dragon prince stepped on a tack due to not looking where he was going and was going on a small rampage at the sudden page. Pit shook his head realizing that this was a mistake.

"...Okay...he's not bright, but he can keep Bayonetta away."

"I think that's the only reason he'll be in this party…" Pit admitted. "Your words are...convincing...even if your brother...isn't so convincing…"

It wouldn't be a surprise if Cory wanted her younger "twin" with Pit so she wouldn't have to deal with him if he inevitably eats the drug (and yes, he would be dumb enough to eat it).

"You'll be surprised by him. Trust me."

Once Corrin had recovered from the severe pain, he had rushed over to his sister nearly in tears. He was a nice guy, so he wouldn't be able to go over and punch Wario now that the initial anger was gone. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep, but that would be impossible with Bana's declaration. Cory explained to her brother what he must do and that he could not cry now.

"You can only cry when this is all over."

"But my foot…"

"You can cry for it later. Just be ready to leave with Pit."

Pit nodded his head. He just needed Palutena's approval and they would be off. Where? Well…he needed to go to Hades. Not the God of the Dead…the other Hades…which acted as a prison for demons. This Netherworld was probably the closest to the Underworld Pit was familiar with and the one that held Hades in high regard (despite the ex-Tyrant wanting nothing to do with God).

The angel captain felt the only reason Palutena was even considering the help of a demon was due to the fact that some could easily track down others if the right price was paid. Since Ceres was useless, it was best to try out demons who wouldn't tell a lie. The Hades Party as a result would be brought in. Pit smirked thinking that it should be easy to recruit a gullible Prinny Instructor to his rankings temporary.

The best part was Palutena wasn't going to make Pit fly through the air in five minutes just to reach his destination. She simply asked everyone who would be part of the group to come together in her room. With her magic, she easily warped them out toward the entrance of Hades. The Dimension Guide was taken back at the sudden appearance of angels, humans, dragons and aliens and immediately shouted for someone to come help her.

"She sure ran off pretty quickly." Roy commented.

"The ladies always run away when they see me." Pit said with a dopey grin. "They're so shy around me."

Shulk muttered something witty under his breath before Pit decided to make himself at home.

" _Pit, remember to just find Valvatorez and just ask for his assistance. You can tell him either I sent you or Artina. Do not pick a fight with the demons here."_

"I won't, Lady Palutena!"

Normally, Valvatorez' attention would be to anyone who intrudes in his realm. Instead, he was focused on the girl that fell from the Golden Land. The vampire had a strong dislike for that place, so the last thing he wanted was for a witch or a sorcerer to be sent down to Hades randomly. The girl wasn't getting up no matter how many times Fenrich threatened her. It got to the point where he just ordered the Prinnies to just stab her constantly with their knives until she decided to open her eyes.

"Dood, I think we killed her." One of the Prinnies said casually seeing all the blood ooze out of her. "Send help, dood?"

"I do not think violence was necessary, dood." The gold Prinny Cuu told Fenrich simply.

"You dare speak back to me?!" He growled as he ordered the Prinnies to go away. "I guess we're going to have to throw this body in the lava."

"...She's still alive." Valvatorez said. "She has one HP."

"Lord Val...those jokes are in bad tastes. She's deader than dead."

"I'm most certain if I give her sardines she will come back to life."

"My lord...that's not how it-"

Pit tapped his foot impatiently waiting for the Prinny Instructor to notice his presence. Valvatorez still ignored the angel captain. He ordered the Prinnies to get him some sardines, but the gold Prinny was already ahead of the curve with one large one in his pocket. Valvatorez held the sardine by its tail and dangled it over the girl.

"No one can resist the sardines!" The vampire declared. "If you do not wake up, I will eat this sardine right now!"

Fenrich just sighed as a response. He wished there was something Valvatorez could get addicted to besides sardines...like blood…

It was then did Fenrich finally acknowledge Pit's presence. He leered at the intruders effectively getting his master's attention.

"Oh, we have visitors?" Valvatorez asked. "Who?"

"It's me, you fish fucker." Pit greeted. "And what sort of trash do you got there?"

"You can keep the trash." Fenrich hissed. There was no point in bringing up Pit's slur against his lord seeing as how there was some truth in that one. "We were going to head out soon. We have reports of some disturbances in the Netherworld. So sorry, but you'll going to have to leave."

Pit wasn't going to take that. "Excuse me. I'm here to talk to your lord. He's perfectly capable of talking to me...unlike some people."

Corrin felt all eyes on him and for once, he wanted to know why he was going to be the butt of all jokes concerning his intelligence.

"Who sent you?" Valvatorez asked as he gave up trying to get the girl to wake up. "Your Goddess or Artina?"

"Lady Palutena. Who else do I serve?"

"...What do you need."

His tone changed almost immediately when it concerned the Goddess of Light. Pit sighed as he explained to Valvatorez and Fenrich what had happened at Smash Brothers Mansion. From Bana's escape back in Frontier Village to assembly a team of drug dealers that vowed to make the entire universe addicted by drugs. Fenrich wondered if this girl was a victim of the drug lord.

"...So a criminal escapes because you didn't watch your angels…" The Prinny Instructor began. "Instead of trying to redeem himself...he travels the road of a villain again...unbelievable! Does he not have any pride as a demon?"

"He's a Nopon." Shulk corrected. "He's like Riki."

"...So this "Nopon" known as Banana is the one messing with my Netherworld? I will not have this!"

"I think his name was Bana, but I'll stop talking since that's apparently the joke." Fenrich murmured to himself.

"We're all in trouble and we could use your help Valvatorez." Pit continued. "I'm forming a team to go challenge those bastards. If you're having problems here though then…"

"I'll give you Fenrich." Valvatorez interrupted.

"What?!"

"Fenrich can sniff out the drugs. If you encounter even one of Banana's members, then it should take no time at all."

"T-That's right but...leaving your side?"

"I will be fine. It's just drugs." He smirked as he realized the implication of his actions. "Besides, if I encounter any of those bastards in the Netherworld, I will teach them about sardines! I will show them they don't need drugs if they can get everything from sardines!"

 _Of course it has to do with sardines._ The werewolf thought darkly to himself. _But...that would be a problem if Lord Val ended up addicted to drugs. It will be my fault if he does, but I cannot afford him to get high over something that could actually harm his body. Hmm...I guess I'll have to put up with this stupid angel. He's not that thieving bitch, so it should be okay but…_

Fenrich's rather long monologue was interrupted from a rather loud groan. The girl was finally waking up.

"Holy cow, dood! Her injuries are non-existent!" Cuu exclaimed as she slowly sat up.

"Dang, she looking fine, dood!"

The girl was obviously confused on where she was at. She just saw she was in a lava area surrounded by penguins and attractive men. Her first thought though was how she ended up here in the first place. She noticed Pit and gasped.

"Hey, you're that harpy!" She exclaimed. That easily set Pit off.

"Excuse me! Harpies are a female race only! I'm not like those bird brains!"

"I don't see the difference." Shulk snarked.

"I heard that! Now who are you?"

The girl scratched her head as she stood up. "Do you want the long answer of the short answer? Also, how are you not, y'know, bursting into flames. We _are_ standing in hell and all. Even if I don't see a Hellavator…"

"This is a special hell." Pit brought up. "I mean, as much as I would love to see Shulk burst into flames…"

"That's not how it works, Pit! And for your information, she has a point!"

"It's the Netherworld." Fenrich answered truthfully. "Don't ask how it works. We demons can tolerate the heat and cold of any extreme degrees. Of course, if you humans stayed here for too long, you might actually catch fire."

The only problem was that Roy was the only human in the group (and even then, he was ¼ dragon) and he was the fire guy to begin with, so no one was going to burst into flames anytime soon. Well, unless the girl decided to be an absolute idiot and actually step on the nearby fire.

"It is a shame that you did not wake to the smell of sardines." Valvatorez lamented as he held the sardine in his hand. "Cuu, I ask you to take it away."

"Dood, this sardine can be used as a weapon, dood."

"Weapon you say?" The girl asks. "Sounds right up my alley! I've used a shark as a chainsaw before!"

Valvatorez gave her an unreadable look before changing his mind about giving the sardine back to Cuu. Instead, he gave it to the strange girl.

"I entrust you with my most valuable weapon. Make it back alive."

Everyone had a huge sweatdrop on the back of their head. Fenrich felt a pain of jealousy threaten to attack him again.

"Two fucking minutes…" He snarled. "Lord Val...please…"

"Aw, come off it you big fuzzy guy!" The girl said to Fenrich as she pinched his cheek. "You can trust me to keep weapons safe! Just don't trust me with your money, or alcohol."

"So basically Corrin." Roy mocked causing the dragon prince to whine about how he's not _**that**_ bad with managing money.

Even if Valvatorez put his trust on the weird girl the minute she wakes up, he still needed to get back at the task at hand. Pit wasn't really thrilled with what the vampire wanted the group to do next. It was tradition at this point.

Now that the hero group has finally assembled, Pit would have to give a roll call similar to what Bana's team did. He wished that he didn't because it honestly took too much time and they needed to stop the Dream Team immediately.

"STATE YOUR NAMES!" Valvatorez declared as he flipped his cape back.

"I AM PIT, SERVANT TO THE GODDESS OF LIGHT!" Pit declared as he did his Sailor Moon pose. "AND I WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO SAVE _**MY**_ ROB!"

"… _ **My**_ Rob…" Shulk growled.

"I-I mean _**my**_ Melia. She'll run into my arms once I save her."

Shulk just wanted to end Pit's life there. It is that type of story, but it wouldn't do him any good.

"RIKI IS THE HEROPON!" Riki announced. "RIKI WILL STOP BANANA AND HELP MELLY AND RITA!"

"It's Bana…" Shulk reminded the Heropon.

"I AM ROY, FUTURE RULER OF PHARAE! I AM THE YOUNG LION THAT WILL BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!"

"That's not a good thing…" Shulk murmured.

Shulk wondered if it was a good idea for Corrin to speak since he expected him to stutter.

"Corrin…Prince of Nohr…I…" Corrin stopped himself from saying anymore. The seer was rather surprised he didn't say much. Perhaps Corrin could read his thoughts?

"…Lord Val already knows who I am." Fenrich spoke. "I am Fenrich, the steward of the Great Lord Valvatorez. I am only joining your idiotic team of homosexuals because my lord is currently busy fighting the drug lords here."

Fenrich didn't have to be a jerk about it…then again…his statement was rather hypocritical given his attachment to the vampire.

"And I'm Shulk-"

Shulk ended up screaming when he was cut off by Zoni. The tentacles coming off her back rubbing at his face was not a good feeling.

"I am Zoni Maven! Hero, protector, and savior of Termiria! I am an adventurer that stared death and _Cthulu_ himself in the face and emerged victorious in battle!" The bluenette repeated. Now that Raven wasn't around, she could continue. "I can die constantly, use any weapon imaginable within minutes…and I can play the tentacle!"

"What does that do?" Corrin had to ask.

"Nonsense." Fenrich ended up answering before Zoni could respond to the werewolf. "Alright, now that the introductions are out of the way, shall we leave Hades, Lord Val?"

"Hey…I didn't get to…" Shulk started before sighing in defeat. What was the point?

Valvatorez was very pleased at how enthusiastic Pit's team was. It consisted of humans, demons, angels and aliens. The only thing it was lacking was a true female companion…since Zoni was…a tentacle monster, mage, zombie, person perhaps?

"Without women, nothing will interfere with your goals." Valvatorez stated. "Now go Smash Street Boys! Go round up those drug dealers and teach them a lesson! Show them the true power of sardines!"

A pause…

"Smash Street Boys, really?!" Pit questioned not that all amused.

"At least it's not Smash Direction…" Fenrich muttered. "Then again, I'm not part of your gay parade, so your name my lord gives you is of no concern."

"I CARE!"

"And I do too!" Roy added. "I'm straight!"

"Riki is married!"

The blond wanted to impale someone with the Monado right now. Five minutes in and he wanted out of this group. Corrin chuckled seeing the seer's eyebrows furrow.

"Now, now. Let them have their fun." He hummed. "I think I know how we're going to get rid of the first members in record time."

"Really? I'm all ears."

"Well…it's simple. We…"

* * *

 **Me: TBC with 5240 words. As you can, Li is out of commission because he's too high to comment, so we can go straight to the notes!**

 **1\. The joke continues from the last chapter that Peach deliberately lets herself get kidnapped. The recent Mario game has her complain about how she's tired of being kidnapped even though it's a routine. This is one of the few times I agree with Viridi in how she needs to start defending herself seeing how badass she is in Smash. Heck, even in this scene, she still has the frying pan showing she can literally escape if she wanted to.**

 **2\. If it's not that obvious, I'm flanderizing Corrin's attitude in Conquest. In general, Corrin isn't as bright as Robin is obviously. S/he has a lot of smart moments that is demonstrated in the third route, but it still doesn't change how naïve they are. Corrin will have a lot of logical moments though just to remind the audience that I'm aware of how he is in canon. There is a reason why they aren't a tactician (but it's ironic how only male Corrin can be the Grandmaster class).**

 **3\. Also, Corrin can't say much without me spoiling Fates which is a spoiler on why he can't say anything about his past. Even in a parody, Corrin keeps his past to himself despite the above note of him being rather naïve.**

 **4\. Ari: Zoni does indeed have the same intro she tried before. The joke of her not being a female is because of how in my game she's a male Avatar but otherwise I treat her as feminine. Being Terrarian, she obviously has had experience dealing with monsters ranging from slime, to sharks, to Cthulu's eye, to Cthulu himself (The Moon Lord). In addition as she does not exist in a "hardcore" world, she can respawn regardless of how violent her death is. The only thing that can't kill her now is fall damage. Everything else is fair game, swords, explosions, boulders, etc.**

 **That's it. Reviews are appreciated. Ja ne!**


	5. Waifus are Scary

**Breaking Bana**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brothers. That goes to Nintendo. The only characters I own are those from the Golden Land, angels from Skyworld including the royal bodyguards, Angel Assembly and archangels along with all the other angels and of course the witch hunters. I also do not own Queen's Blade as that belongs to Hobby Japan.**

 **Summary: Bana wants revenge against Shulk's group after being forced to become the new Heropon for his drug dealing ways. After he tricks Magnus' son into letting him go free, Bana gets the dream team together to start his revenge against Shulk by going after the Smashers. His end goal is to have the entire universe addicted to drugs. Shulk hates the idea of teaming up with Pit, but he will have to work with the angel captain especially since Pit seems to know who most of these recruits are.**

 **Pairing: Implied Rob/Shulk, Pit/Melia, Reyn/Pittoo/Lucina, Rita (OC)/Viridi, Magnus/Dunban, Sheik/Rob and Pit/Rob**

 **Rated: T (for teen) and with some M (for mature) content**

 **Genre: Parody, Adventure, Humor, Drama and some Romance**

 **Warning: Drugs, Xenoblade Chronicles spoilers, sexual themes, nudity, swearing, violence and OOC**

 **This is literally my parody contest entry for MerchantAnna. I don't think it will be done in time due to the fact I got other stories to focus on and coming up with a parody beyond a few chapters is not easy for me. Enjoy!**

Chapter 4: Waifus are Scary

* * *

You thought you were going to get Corrin's plan the minute the chapter started? You'll have to wait. For now, Palutena will have to teleport everyone to Skyworld. It was safer to talk in heaven due to spies that could be in the Netherworld. They could leak the information to Bana and then the Anti-Dream Team will be in trouble.

Pit didn't see the point. He didn't think the plan Corrin had was a good idea at all.

"Really? You want us to find Aldra and tell her about Belphe and Dogor?" He asked. "Are you high?"

"No. That's why I'm part of the team." Corrin answered truthfully. "And telling their owner is not a bad idea. I think you of all people should know that the contract is hard to break."

Pit may not have been an expert on demon pacts, but he did know that Aldra was the previous Queen of the Continent. Her strength may have been lost due to her amnesia, but she still was a scary individual. If all went well, then they would have two less adversaries to deal with it before the battle began. If they failed, then they would have to fight Belphe and Dogor eventually. The angel captain knew that as the Demon Prince of Sloth, he was not someone they should underestimate even if they have been confined into a doll at this point.

"Y-Yeah…"

"So it won't be a problem going with my plan."

"But there are a lot of holes!" Pit exclaimed. "For example, who is to say she won't attack us for suggesting that Belphe and Dogor are being bad? She might beat us with a paddle or regain her powers and turn us to stone. Uh...I don't want to remember the time I stared at Medusa…"

"Something about getting stone cold?" Shulk mocked causing Pit to hiss at the implication. "I think Corrin has a point. It wouldn't hurt to try and to reason with her first. If we can avoid violence before it even begins, I think we will be better off."

Corrin's eyes shimmered at the Monado boy agreeing with the pacifist approach. "Right! Plus, just because Bana took our friends hostages doesn't mean that he knows we formed a team to counter him! We should try to persuade the members in leaving first before we have to resort to violence."

"How naive." Fenrich growled. "You really think that we'll going to get through this entire thing without a fight?"

"No but…"

Before Corrin could explain to the werewolf why the non-violent route would benefit them in the wrong run, Shulk felt that they needed to act quickly. The longer they spent arguing on what they needed to do, the longer Rob was in danger of being drugged by Bana. That was Shulk's greatest fear...and given the white haired tactician was avoiding him the past couple of days, he didn't want to think the Dream Team had gotten to him already.

"Pit, we need to go now."

"Hey, tell that to Lady Palutena!"

Fortunately for Pit and the group, Palutena had already set a course for Zanef. Because the Queen's Blade heaven was connected to the Continent, it would be incredibly easy for Palutena to warp the group to the Summoner Aldra instead of having them stroll through the town and search for the ex-Queen of the Continent.

* * *

Out of all the people in the group, Roy would have been the only one to barge into Aldra's house uninvited. In the Fire Emblem universe, you could visit houses and talk to the people inside. Sometimes you would receive an item for your troubles. Corrin's reason for visiting houses was mainly to keep them from harm's way. Roy in comparison would have been a kleptomaniac if not for his childhood friends. Shulk was against barging into the house without knocking (then again, you couldn't even enter any houses in Xenoblade sans Dunban's house). Pit just wanted to get things over with, so he allowed the Young Lion to do what he wants.

The ex-Queen was sweeping the floor of her house instead of cooking. She had just finished work and bought the groceries needed for dinner. She was humming a cute tune to herself that when Roy let himself in, she stopped. Roy's face turned as red as his hair seeing Aldra in her naked apron. He should have been used to housewives wearing something appealing to their husbands, but now he had to hold his hand up to his nose to stop the upcoming nosebleed. Fenrich could smell the blood in the air and growled.

"You humans...I swear…"

"He's actually a quarter dragon." Corrin corrected. "But the smell of blood in the air isn't good. Roy, are you okay?"

"I'm...okay...just too sexy…"

If this was the old Aldra Pit recognized her as, they would have all been turned to stone...unless she found you appealing and kept you as a slave. This Aldra became flustered at the sight of many young men and Zoni bursting into her house.

"W-Welcome...is there something you need?" She asked shyly.

If only Aldra had her memories, Pit would be able to ask her if she remembered who he was. The brunette had never met with the ex-Queen in person, but Palutena had sent information to the Head Angel and that info would be passed down to Nanael. However, every angel and demon knew Pit far and wide, so someone as powerful as Aldra should have knew him. Because the half-demon gave a blank expression after a long pause, Pit had to reintroduce herself.

"Greetings, your highness. I am Pit, servant to the Goddess of Light! I have come with a message!"

"…Your highness?" She asked. "I'm sorry. You must have mistaken me for someone else. I could never be a queen. I'm only a Gondolier."

 _How the mighty have fallen._

Pit decided that it would be best if Corrin explained the situation. Aldra was confused why the angel wasn't telling her the message, but the half-dragon will have to do.

"Summoner Aldra, as the Prince of Nohr, I would like to inform you that your little demons have slipped off and caused trouble for us as a group." Corrin explained. "The summons included a pink teddy bear and a green frog working under an escaped convict who calls himself Banana."

"Bana." Shulk corrected.

"Bana is an escaped convict from Bionis. His goal is to make the entire universe addicted to drugs. Your summons are assisting him. We would appreciate if you could help us. We want to take the path with the least amount of pain. If you could help us, we would most appreciate it."

The explanation was short but easy to follow for even someone like Zoni who needed to be kept up to speed. The minute Aldra heard about her summons, she immediately excused herself to search the room. After five minutes of not finding Belphe and Dogor, she returned with a paddle in hand. Her eyes were on fire as she looked ready to abandon the group.

"I'm sorry…Belphe and Dogor were supposed to be here helping me. I did not realize they had slipped away while I was at work. I will be sure to get them back immediately without fail."

"That's great!" Corrin exclaimed. "We shall assist you."

"No, I will be fine." She told the dragon prince darkly. "I cannot allow them to leave without my permission."

"Oh…"

"I apologize but I will be back in a bit in half an hour at least."

Pit was surprised at how fast Aldra left the house to a bunch of strangers. The demons were more important than a bunch of cute, young guys and Zoni though. Now that they had the house to themselves, Roy could finally go to the sink and throw his face under the faucet. He would then go find a towel to wipe his face and destroy any traces of having a bloody nose.

"Umm…should we follow her?" Corrin asked with worry.

"Nah…I think you woke up her inner demon." Pit joked. Corrin unfortunately would miss the joke entirely.

* * *

So you want to know what happens when you anger a housewife? Well, she's going to break reality and storm the Golden Land with her past magic. She may not have any memories of her past, but she could still tap into her old powers when in rage. Her goal was to grab the dolls who were spreading chaos. It was her job anyway to make sure they wouldn't go around eating people.

Belphe and Dogor got the short end of the stick because of Peach. While everyone else had left to start spreading the drugs, the two stuffed animals were stuck being the servants for the Smashers. There were many Pinatas around the mansion now, but only Belphe and Dogor were the go getters. Peach had beat them with a frying pan and demanded they make her tea. If it wasn't made correctly, then she would throw a fit. What started as them trying to make it perfect resulted in Peach demanding that she use the kitchen to make it her way. She dragged Rob along for the ride, so he wouldn't be alone in the room. Melia was still asleep. Give her a couple more hours and she would join in their bitching.

"So, to cook these exclusive recipes from the Golden Land, you need to add double the amount of the sugar?" Rob asked casually.

"According to the cookbook, this is the case." Peach responded as she asked the male tactician to assist her in baking.

Belphe and Dogor hissed from the sidelines seeing how happy the hostages were. They needed to be suffering while waiting for their prince charming to show up. So they decided that the minute the two let their guard down, they would pounce on them.

"I'll take the princess!" Belphe told his partner. "If she wants to use the frying pan to punish me, wait until I _**cook**_ her."

"Then I'll take the small fry." Dogor continued. "This tongue wants to wrap itself around that frail body. A woman's body would be better, but he's close enough to one that I will make an exception."

They snickered at how perverted their plan was. They would never be able to start said plan though due to the rumbling caused outside of the castle. The duo looked at each other in worry feeling the familiar aura of their master nearby.

"Do you feel something?"

"Yes, but how can she be here? This is the Golden Land! The only people who get free access without going through all the security are Summoners!"

They forgot that Aldra was a Summoner. She wasn't the type of Summoner that the Golden Land wanted, but she was a Summoner nonetheless. She was able to pinpoint the two demons and storm the castle. The Pinatas didn't stand a chance as it only took one hit from her paddle to defeat them. The Smashers were confused at the noise. Peach was worried because she thought that the heroes were already here when she hasn't gotten a chance to settle down. Rob got his hopes up and ended up looking outside the kitchen to see if it was Shulk that was mowing down the enemy.

"Are you disappointed?" Peach asked.

"…Yes…" Rob answered with a sigh seeing the half-demon beat up the two stuffed animals with a paddle without mercy. "Excuse me, Miss…are you the new maid around here?"

Aldra's focus was on the little dolls that had run off on her. Besides smacking them with the paddle, she also bitch slapped them just to add insult to injury.

"How dare you disobey me and not stay home!" Aldra yelled. "I let you off the first time because you two do not understand the rules of the house. There is no second chances for you two! I'm taking you to back home and grounding you! I will not let you sell drugs to make money for me and my husband!"

"We weren't going to make money for you!" Dogor insisted. "That was for us when we got back to the Netherworld!"

Aldra didn't care about what the money would be used for. She had made her decision to take them out of the Dream Team due to being their legal guardian. The white haired half-demon ignored Rob's presence as she stormed off with her two stuffed dolls. Rob sighed realizing that they had probably just lost someone to order around.

As Aldra was leaving the castle, she was stopped by the Guardian of Nature who was far from pleased that a Summoner was already here. Bana was frightened at the half-demon before him. He could feel so much negative aura coming from her that he feared for his life. He needed more time before he was granted the power to stand toe to toe with many of the fighters of Smash. Why else would he resort to hostages?

"I think you have members of the Dream Team." Dandelion told the half-demon. "I will take them back."

"No, you won't." Aldra hissed surprising her. "I am sorry, but these are my children, and I forbid them from participating in illegal activities."

"Bana help us! She's going to ground us!"

"I don't want to be on the shelf all day!"

"Bana…did not know that they were not allowed to sell drugs." Bana said simply.

"Same." Dandelion added. "I guess there isn't much we can do…I mean…if you're a mother with these demon children…"

"WE ARE NOT HER CHILDREN!" They screamed. "HELP US! WE HAVEN'T EVEN DONE ANYTHING IN THE STORY YET!"

The sad thing was that Dandelion was willing to give up Belphe and Dogor if it meant the Summoner would leave them alone and never return. She didn't seem the type to think far in advance, so if they gave up the stuffed animals, she wouldn't attack them again. They can't lose so many Pinatas so early into the plan.

"Please leave." Dandelion ordered. "Do not return with them. We will be fine on our own!"

"NOOOOOOO! DON'T DO THIS!"

"TRAITOR!"

Bana would throw away people he had no use for. These two demons were no different. The only disappointing thing was that he would never be able to see their full potential.

Aldra excused herself as she walked past the stain glass windows and past Gelato on the way.

"And where are you taking those toys?"

"They are mine. They are now grounded. Have a good day."

Gelato hissed as the half-demon ran past her outside of the castle and disappeared. Dandelion couldn't help but facepalm at how she didn't look into their history. These two demons were so powerful in the Netherworld, but due to the contract they had with Aldra, they were just her punching bags until they could get the upperhand on her.

Gelato was far from pleased that the two demons were taken away so early. Looking toward the stain glass image of the two, she used her magic to create a huge flower mallet and smashed it to bits. The sound of shattering glass could be heard throughout the castle. Bana was actually concerned that she did that without his permission. Dandelion however…liked the temper she was showing and would need to remember to take advantage of it in the future.

* * *

If Fenrich had to estimate how long it took for Aldra to get her summons, it would be thirty minutes at most. She had told them it wouldn't be that long, but he didn't expect her to finish up the impossible task of finding the Dream Team much less beat up and bring the stuffed animals home so quickly. He should have expected much since she was a Summoner.

"Thank you for telling me that these two were being rowdy." Aldra thanked as she bowed her head in shame. She had forced the demons to do the same. "I will make sure they pay for attempting to sell drugs."

Pit whistled at how quickly this was done. "Not bad, Corrin. I underestimated you."

Corrin's eyes continued to sparkle at being praised. He was happy that this was done without resorting to violence unaware that Aldra beat the stuffed animals with an inch of their life before dragging them back home.

"S-Sorry! I'll start preparing dinner for you all now to make up for the trouble I have caused. Please wait while I get everything ready."

Aldra needed to run to her room to get something. Belphe and Dogor hissed at the Anti-Dream Team when their master wasn't there to see how furious they were.

"You think you're so smart tattling on us!" Dogor shouted specifically to Corrin. "Don't think you'll get away with this you goody-two shoe!"

"We will have our revenge in the future." Belphe threatened. "Just you wait. We'll get you in such a lewd manner that you'll be begging for mercy."

Corrin tilted his head in confusion. Why was the threat directed only at him? He wondered if it was even important.

"You should watch your mouth." The angel captain interrupted as he was this close to taking his bow out. Not wanting to cause a scene, he restrained himself and resorted to just grabbing Belphe by the ears. This caused him to shriek in pain. "You are in our territory now. Don't make threats you can't keep you lazy bastards."

"We are serious! You shall see…"

Would they keep their promise? Only the author knew, but it's not even important in this story. Pit set the pink teddybear down when Aldra came back with a different apron. Compared to the one she always wore, she decided to cover up just because there were so many guests in the room and she didn't want them looking at her. Her booty was only for her husband to see and she could sense that some of the males in the room while young were still...feisty…

Roy had actually volunteered to help Aldra out with the cooking. Riki and Zoni joined too. The former just wanted to munch on the food she would be chopping into the pot. The latter had this sudden urge to use her tentacle to grope the half-demon, and it was because of Roy that she didn't get a booty smack in. Instead, she used her tentacles to strangle Belphe and Dogor. Nothing spelt karma when the dolls who loved to wrap their appendages around people were having a taste of their own medicine. Aldra was distracted with cooking, so she wouldn't be able to help them. Not like they would die from something like this.

The rest of the group would gather around the table to talk about their plan. While Corrin's non-violent route was successful, the same couldn't be said for the other members. Seeing the rest of the members made Pit realize that they would either need to be crafty with getting them to leave or they would need to use brute strength.

"That Anna girl…" Shulk started catching Pit's attention.

"The merchant?"

"Yeah...she seemed to know who Rob was…"

"I think Lucina said that they were traveling with an Anna that her father had saved on their journey. Since Anna is like the Nurse Joys and Officer Jennys of the Fire Emblem universe, I don't think it's unheard of for Anna to not hear about Rob."

"...Hmm...but she mentioned a love potion…"

The group falls silent as those who were there during the kidnapping pondered on the merchant's words. Shulk was starting to get paranoid now. Was it too late to save Rob if this love potion was given to him? What if that was a codename for the drugs? The only way to know was to ask Merchant Anna in question. The biggest question was where to look for her. She might not be in the Golden Land for all they know, and they needed to leave and fast…

Corrin's stomach growled causing Shulk to lose his train of thought. Fenrich growled hearing the dragon prince's belly.

"Sorry...kind of hungry...can we stay here until we finish eating?"

"Well...some homemade cooking won't hurt." Pit told him. "And Roy and Riki would agree."

"We have a job…" Fenrich complained even though his tail was wagging.

Shulk sighed in defeat. Why couldn't he be the leader? At least he would be able to keep the group focused on saving Peach, Rob and Melia if he was in the lead...but what could he do? Everyone allowed Pit to be the leader in this important mission that was dumped on for him and Riki. The brunette claiming the glory was leaving a bad aftertaste in his mouth and it made him want to sucker punch the angel. Instead, he would be stuck playing with his fork until it was time to eat.

* * *

 **Me: TBC with 4186 words. Notes!**

 **1\. Zanef is the Queen's Blade equivalent to Italy. The gondolas are the biggest hint seeing as how to travel from one location in Zanef to another requires a ride on it. Aldra is a Gondolier who takes these people where they need to go. Zanef is also called The Town of Water and Italy has a lot of waterways.**

 **2\. My universe takes place post-Rebellion therefore Aldra has no memories of her past. Even though I make mentions to her being the villain of the original series, she no longer poses a threat. However, the fact she was able to tame one of the seven sins in hell with relative ease and even trapping them in stuffed animals makes her very dangerous according to Pit.**

 **A fun fact though is I like how Aldra is considered a selfish ruler who only wanted to find her sister and would do anything to find her. Claudette however is very much like Garon in that the smallest resistance means the annihilation of everyone in the area and should Corrin ever meet Claudette, he isn't going to like her at all.**

 **3\. The scenario of Rob being okay is supposed to be a shout out to** _ **Your Hom is in Another Castle**_ **which is a dramedy, not a parody. This story is supposed to show that Rob shouldn't be upset with Shulk making the best of the hostage situation (especially since its Bowser) when he's going to follow Peach's lead and take advantage of the high quality room service and food.**

 **4\. Daily reminder that Belphe and Dogor are a dangerous duo as demonstrated in the anime and the Vanquished Queen scenario of them turning on Aldra and succeeding. They were able to mess with Dunban real good in** _ **Faustian Contract**_ **.**

 **That's it. Reviews are appreciated. Ja ne!**


	6. Finding Anna

**Breaking Bana**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brothers. That goes to Nintendo. The only characters I own are those from the Golden Land, angels from Skyworld including the royal bodyguards, Angel Assembly and archangels along with all the other angels and of course the witch hunters. I also do not own Queen's Blade as that belongs to Hobby Japan.**

 **Summary: Bana wants revenge against Shulk's group after being forced to become the new Heropon for his drug dealing ways. After he tricks Magnus' son into letting him go free, Bana gets the dream team together to start his revenge against Shulk by going after the Smashers. His end goal is to have the entire universe addicted to drugs. Shulk hates the idea of teaming up with Pit, but he will have to work with the angel captain especially since Pit seems to know who most of these recruits are.**

 **Pairing: Implied Rob/Shulk, Pit/Melia, Reyn/Pittoo/Lucina, Rita (OC)/Viridi, Magnus/Dunban, Sheik/Rob and Pit/Rob**

 **Rated: T (for teen) and with some M (for mature) content**

 **Genre: Parody, Adventure, Humor, Drama and some Romance**

 **Warning: Drugs, Xenoblade Chronicles spoilers, sexual themes, nudity, swearing, violence and OOC**

 **This is literally my parody contest entry for MerchantAnna. I don't think it will be done in time due to the fact I got other stories to focus on and coming up with a parody beyond a few chapters is not easy for me. Enjoy!**

Chapter 5: Finding Anna

* * *

The Dream Team would have wished that Melia continued sleeping. The minute she woke up, the first thing that came to mind was how to get back at Team Rocket for treating her like a Pokémon. As the monarch of Alcamoth, she refused to be treated like some rodent. The Ether was flowing through her as her body began to glow a bright color. Who would be at the receiving end of her magic though?

"You finally woke up?"

Rob was more than likely to be hit by the angry half-Homs. The male tactician felt his heart stop seeing Melia sit up and glare at him.

"Umm…did I do something wrong?"

Peach grinned at the idea of Rob being hurt, but that would be a waste of Ether.

"Melia, I'm glad you're awake."

Peach's voice was more soothing to hear.

"Where are we?" Melia asked. She did not take her eyes off of Rob who she would hit if Peach did not give her a satisfactory answer.

"We are in the Golden Castle from what I have heard from that cute little ball of fur." Peach explained.

"I think you are talking about a Nopon." Melia corrected. "And Bana is the most dangerous Nopon I have ever met…and now he's taken us hostages…"

"I'm trying to think of a way to get us out." Rob told the half-Homs. "I haven't been able to go far in the castle though and map out the area." He glared at Peach when he said this. "You're not making things any easier."

Peach chuckled as a response. "Now, Rob…I told you that it's better to play the role as hostage so we can wait for our princes to save us. This is how damsel plays her role, and you cannot go out of the formula without consequences."

"Says the one who lets herself get kidnapped every other week." The male tactician snarked. "Look Peach, I already told you that unlike you, I'm one of Chrom's tacticians. Being taken hostage is a black mark on how reliable I am. The sooner we get out, the better."

"I agree." Melia added. "I also need to unleash my Ether before I hurt someone in this room."

"You can do that to our kidnappers." The blonde princess suggested. "I suggest we do not overstep our boundaries. The lady with the cigarette is dangerous, and will make sure we don't try to escape ourselves."

"But…"

"I'm the expert here!" Peach suddenly shouted causing the two to jump at her voice. "And I demand we stay put!"

"And I want to get revenge on those imbeciles who treated me like a Pikachu!" Melia exclaimed. "I will not tolerate such humiliation!"

Rob wanted to stop the two royals from fighting, but noticed someone was heading their way.

Dino was approaching the three captives with two Pinatas (that Dark Mario allowed him to have around as bodyguards) with him. He smirked thinking how he didn't need to obey orders from Bana, an evil mascot or women. He was going to do what he wanted and he was going to make the three captive his miserable servants. Peach noticed their approach and warned the other two that the asshole was coming toward them.

"How has your stay been in the room ladies?" Dino asked.

"I'm not a woman." Rob answered quickly. "And it would be nice if there was more than one bed."

"If you're not a woman, then you're obviously trash." Dino said simply. "Men sleep on the floor after all."

 _This son of a bitch._ Rob cursed to himself as he glared at him. _You're lucky I don't have a book to throw at your smug face…_

"Fortunately, I'm not here to speak to some short pretty boy." Dino mocked as he turned to Melia. "Your voice is very loud and obnoxious. I suggest you return to your room before you get hurt. You wouldn't want your cute little wings ripped off, now would you?"

Melia's temper only worsened with his threat. Compared to Belphe and Dogor who got pushed around by Peach earlier, Dino wasn't being pleasant to his guests.

"Excuse me? I dare you to speak in that authoritative tone again."

Dino cocked an eyebrow as he laughed. "Get back in the room, you harpy, or I'll have you go into the kitchen and make me a sandwich."

Peach could be heard gasping at how rude Dino was being. Rob rolled his eyes as the overused phrase that would get any man beaten and ridiculed for saying that.

"You disrespectful ruffian!" Melia shouted. "I will have you know that I am the last ruler of Alcamoth! I do not obey those who cannot treat authority figures with respect! I have just woken up and I am not in the best of moods. Now turn around and make yourself a sandwich if you are that hungry. I will not tolerate such insolence from a brute who looks like he came out of a rated R movie that tried so hard to be edgy but failed even the most basic step of being dark."

It was difficult for the other two Smashers to keep a straight face after that verbal smack down. Dino's smug expression cracked as it slowly shifted to a crazed one you see serial killers get when they're offended by their target's defiant attitude.

When she refused to obey Dino's wishes, the punk ordered the Pinatas to throw her back into the room. They weren't that smart though. To demonstrate how serious they were, they picked up Rob and threw him into the room. Rob let out a surprised scream as he apparently landed on the bed.

"IMMA CHUCKSTER!"

"I'M NOT MELIA!" Rob could be heard screaming.

Another Pinata had put his hand on Melia's shoulder causing her to smack it away.

"You will get your filthy hands off me! If I had authority here, you would be put to death!"

She wouldn't kill these guys without suffering the consequences. The least she could do is bind them in place. Some people forgot that Melia had some status effects that could benefit the party, but since she was so good at using Ether, there was no need to play around with putting the opponent to sleep or binding them in place. A purple light appeared below their feet as she prevented them from moving.

"What the hell is this?!"

"Silence! You will stand there while I give out my punishment!"

While Melia was busy binding her enemies, Peach was busy plucking a Mr. Saturn out of the ground. Even in the Golden Land, it was possible for her to do such a task. Either the Golden Land was messed up because Prism was no longer in power, or Peach gave no fucks about how illogical it would be to pull anything out of the ground while inside a castle.

"Melia, I think we can teach this young man a lesson on how to talk to a princess." She hummed. "He doesn't have the charisma of the man who holds the name "Dante"."

"Of course."

Again, Melia needed someone to take her frustration on. If Rob was off limits, she simply needed to take it out on this asshole. He had the face of someone she could kick and not feel guilty afterwards anyway.

"Remember, Melia. We beat him into submission. A staff and Mr. Saturn is all we need."

Dino obviously laughed at the idea that they could use weak weapons to strike down a powerful half-demon, half-angel like himself. His attitude refused to acknowledge he was dealing with two powerful ladies. Rob groaned in pain as he made it back to the door only to see his female companions start their torture session on Dino.

"I'm glad that ain't me…"

* * *

Back on Angel Island, a red echidna relaxes in the shed next to the Master Emerald. A shed didn't exist in the past, but for the sake of the upcoming joke, there will be one on this forsaken island. Knuckles was fine with sleeping in bad weather in the past, but complaints from his friend made him build a shed with his favorite thing about it being the door.

Whenever someone knocked on the door, there was a knock-knock joke. Knuckles refused to chuckle whenever he demanded a bad joke from whoever was visiting him. It was amazing at what Sonic came up with (even if some of the jokes were at the expense of the Master Emerald guardian).

Knuckles was just minding his own business. Dr. Eggman and Rogue have been quiet lately, so the Master Emerald was safe. He considered visiting Sonic just to cheer him on in the next Smash tournament. At that moment, the door knocked.

"Knock-knock, its Knuckles!" Knuckles shouted expecting it to be Sonic on the other end. "Sonic, what do you have to hit me with this time?"

There was no response after the knock. Knuckles wondered if he chased the person off. Who could have come to Angel Island to see him? The red echidna came out of his shed only to see a sexy elf standing before the Master Emerald. She licked her lips as she was deciding how she would take the Master Emerald back to her client.

Knuckles blushed at the magnificent booty staring at him. This elf was sexier than Rogue, but age probably had to do with it and the fact she wasn't wearing that much clothing. The only thing covering the woman up was the snake wrapped around her legs.

"W-Who are you?!"

The woman turned around with a sinister smile on her face. Knuckles was redder than he already was and that said a lot.

"Echidna." She hummed. "Oh, you're Knuckles the Echidna. How nice to meet someone of the species as my name. You're also the Guardian of the Master Emerald…"

In the back of Knuckles' mind, he was lucky that a sexy lady knew who he was.

"My client said that I don't need money to give her if I could give her something with equal value. I think the Master Emerald will do."

The red on Knuckles' face changed from embarrassment to furious fury!

"No one is stealing the Master Emerald on my watch! Even if you're a sexy snake lady, these knuckles will find its way into you!"

"Oh, how naughty!" Echidna hummed as she took her daggers out from her small pouch. "Unfortunately, I don't have time to play with you now. I'm not into furries, you see."

"What."

"You have to go into…hibernation."

That was the localized way of saying, "You need to die." Knuckles wasn't smart enough to realize that. Echidna meant business though, so before he could put up a fight, she thrusted her daggered into his chest. His eyes widened in horror at how fast she was. Sonic was on thing, but he had gotten use to his speed that he could be able to block his attacks. This was different. Her speed was that of an assassin of the night…

"Master…Emerald…"

His last words were about the gem he swore to protect. Echidna pulled her daggers out and watched him fall. She hummed as she dropped a note not written by her next to the corpse below her.

"Perhaps the poison was too much." Echidna thought to herself out loud before looking at the Master Emerald. "Oh, well. Time to claim my prize before those pests show up."

How would someone like Echidna be able to carry something as big as the Master Emerald? In most games, the Master Emerald was shattered thus forcing Knuckles to gather the missing pieces in order to restore it to its former glory. Whatever method the green haired elf used, it would be ridiculous. The fact that we don't know what she did will only make things more infuriating because it makes you wonder if the author even knows how Echidna pulled this off. The screen zooms out afterwards as we watch Angel Island fall into the ocean yet again.

* * *

One has to wonder how the Anti-Dream team was able to hear the crash landing of Angel Island from the location they were currently in. Granted, Skyworld allowed easy access to everything, but unless one was spying on that one particular location, there was no way for them to know. The one joke Pit made was that if it had "angel" in the name, he'll hear about it from miles away.

Since it was Angel Island, it was best if they got to the place first before Sonic. He was the fastest thing alive even if he did take speed no thanks to Bana. It was a good thing they did because they saw the corpse of one of Sonic's oldest friends resting next to the wreckage that was known as Angel Island. The Master Emerald was stolen yet again, but instead of leaving the red echidna alive, they murdered him in cold blood so Angel Island would never rise again.

Everyone's reaction was different. Pit tried to maintain his cool on the surface while panicking on the inside realizing that Sonic would not take this well. Shulk and Roy looked away with pained expressions. Corrin broke down in large tears forcing Riki to awkwardly pat him with his noodle arms. Fenrich sniffed the area searching for anything that could lead them to the killer. He was able to sniff out the weed that was next to the guardian of Angel Island. As for Zoni…she was steps ahead of Fenrich and noticed the note that was next to the corpse. She read it out loud without any regard to anyone's feelings.

"HERE LIES KNUCKLES. HE NEVER SCORED. NOT EVEN WITH THE MASTER EMERALD."

All the dark tension that was in the area was lit up only because Roy burst out laughing at the inappropriate joke. Zoni found it hilarious too and chuckled a little to herself.

"Can you not insult the dead?" Corrin asked rather coldly as he wiped his arms. "Knuckles was a great person."

"Animal." Shulk corrected.

"He didn't need to die."

"He better not have smoked too much weed…" Shulk could be heard grumbling. _It's hard to sympathize with someone who might have overdosed with drugs. These Mobians makes us aliens look bad…_

"Fenrich," Pit started interrupting the Homs' train of thought. "Is Bana's scent on the weed?"

"…You really expect me to sniff that, do you?"

A small pause before Fenrich nodded his head.

"Okay, Fenrich please lead us there. Lady Palutena, you there?"

" _Of course. What do you need Pit?"_ The Goddess of Light questioned. Pit could hear her munching on something in the background and groaned. He was the only one who could hear her.

"Can you make sure Knuckles is in heaven? I'm actually thinking about Sonic's wellbeing at the moment."

 _"No can do!"_ Palutena responded. _"His soul probably made it to the depths of Hades already. He's probably a Prinny now."_

"…Are you fucking serious?"  
 _  
"I'm 95% sure of my assertion. Anyone who does drugs ends up in hell anyway. It might be an angel rule, but I expect you guys to actually uphold it before you die."  
_  
"That's not really fair."

 _"Don't worry, Pit! When everything is fixed, Knuckles will be revived like anyone else who might die in this story. Let's focus on catching the drug dealer now before we lose our trail."_

There really wasn't much Pit could argue with. He just hoped that what his Goddess said was true and that Knuckles would be revived later. If Sonic found out…he would actually burst into tears at how drugs ruin peoples' lives…never mind there is an apparent stab wound on his chest that just looked like Knuckles split ketchup all over him.

What an undignified death if the author might say so herself.

* * *

Echidna did indeed shatter the Master Emerald, but made sure the pieces didn't scatter all over Mobius. The last thing she wanted was to play the treasure hunter mini-game and find all of the shards in the most absurd places. When she shattered them, she put them in a jar was able to hold all the large pieces before making it back to her client. It was none other than Merchant Anna of course who was tapping her foot impatiently in a rather secluded realm.

"You're late by ten seconds!" Anna exclaimed seeing the mercenary elf strut toward her. "And I asked for a big emerald! Not a bunch of little ones!"

"Patience, my dear. The Master Emerald can easily put itself together…like this."

One would think that only Knuckles could put the Master Emerald together once it was shattered. The echidna clan was capable of such a feat, but apparently if you had the name of Echidna, you could repair it by force. She took the shards from the jar and threw them into the air. Anna's eyes sparkled seeing the Master Emerald returning to its shiny, giant form. This was what she ordered even if there was a casualty obtaining it.

"Wonderful. Now, go get me the Chaos Emeralds! They're held by Sonic in Smashopolis!" Anna hummed as she reached out for the Master Emerald.

Echidna wasn't impressed and pulled it back. "That was not part of the deal."

"I said Emeralds! I can't go back to Smashopolis since they already know I'm working for that furball." Anna told her.

"The deal was I get the Master Emerald which is stronger than the Chaos Emeralds in exchange for your drugs. I have some…breaking of cute girls in my world to do. You do not want to cross me."

"Nah, it's impossible to cross a God Mode Sue without cheating." Anna could be heard snarking before giving in surprisingly. She had to pick her opponents carefully and despite Echidna being lowered to the point she would do anything for drugs, she was still a menace to deal with in combat. "Fine, here's the weed and other spices. Don't tell Bana about the spices. Those things are actually hated even by the Golden Land even if the little shits in charge use it all the time. Now get out before I use them on you!"

Echidna gave her a smug smile as she accepted the bag with the weed and spices. "Thanks, you're a doll. Now if you'll excuse me…"

The green haired elf took her leave. Anna waited until she was sure that woman was out of her sight before she turned back to her Drug Ring group. Unlike Bana, she already had a group of problematic people who were selling drugs and other items in the universe. Most of them were creepy, but there were some weird ones there too. She was the leader because she was the Nurse Joy of the Fire Emblem universe.

Her group consisted of the Merchant from Resident Evil 4, the Happy Mask Salesman from Termina, the Magikarp Salesman, that dwarf girl Ymir, Moguo the Moogle, a random star mage that worked in the Netherworld, the random merchant angel that helped Pit out during the first two games and a little girl named Midoriko. Anna frowned at how it's not a complete Drug Ring if there isn't ten people. She would have to make do with this odd group that will never get in trouble.

"Yo, Anna!" The angel merchant shouted. "Looks like Icarus is coming to see us. What do you want us to do?"

"I could always sharpen my knife for him, kupo…" The cute Moogle suggested.

Anna considered the consequences of getting caught, but she wasn't interested in spreading drugs as she was making money. This entire group was dedicated to making money…except that little green haired girl who seemed insistent on selling herbs. If she could snatch money from the Anti-Dream team, then everyone wins.

"No, let them come to us." Anna said simply. "I'm interested to see what they'll do to get me to stop. Midori, the dragon prince is trying the pacifist route to this situation, right?"

The girl jumped at the mention of the dragon prince. She only nodded her head. "I'm not Midori! I'm Midoriko!"

"They both mean the same thing. Don't see the problem."

"It's a huge problem! Sheesh! You don't believe me when I say I'm an adult either! Rude!"

"That's because you're not." Anna snarked to herself. "But anyways, we're going to wait. You guys need to go hide though."

* * *

Palutena finally located the place where Anna was hiding. Anna made her presence known to the Goddess, so the green haired Goddess couldn't claim the credit of finding her and the Drug Ring. Pit was still glad the Goddess of Light wasn't giving him an aerial section before infiltrating the Drug Ring. It was a dim lit place where the only light came from the lanterns randomly placed on top of crates and candles that were lit on the floor.

As the group walked through the darkness, they could see a group of evildoers sitting in a circle. Anna was easily recognizable with her red hair, but Corrin noticed the girl with green hair right next to the older merchant.

"Midoriko, is that you?"

The little girl let out a small gasp hearing the voice of the prince from her world.

"Lord Corrin?!"

"Midoriko! It is you!" Corrin exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

The green haired girl paled immediately seeing red eyes look into her purple ones. She shouldn't be here. She like the rest of the army was supposed to stay in Corrin's world until the dragon twins came back. Midoriko couldn't let her job be put on hold though. She needed to make that money, so they would be able to survive against the soldiers being sent against them.

"Lord Corrin…please don't tell dad." Midoriko begged as she forced herself to cry crocodile tears to the dragon prince. "I'm doing this for everyone back at home!"

Normally, Corrin would believe her. Just to make sure, he approached the young girl and touched her cheek. She flinched especially when the stoic expression he wore slowly changed to a judgmental one.

"…Please don't lie. Why are you here?"

"…Don't tell dad." She repeated. "I really need the money."

"Why did you go alone? Where is everyone else? Why are you with these…strange people?"

Corrin was too nice for his own good. Midoriko was equally kind, but in this setting, there was no way she was going to let the silver haired prince guilt trip her into stopping. She sold herbs, but she liked the idea of selling these high quality drugs too. There might be one that could make her age faster, but she needed to make sure.

"…Please drop the subject." Midoriko whispered as she pulled Corrin's collar and whispered into his ear. "If you even think of telling dad, I will take the weed I have and shove it up your ass, and you will be moaning all night."

Now that was enough for Corrin to back away from the little girl. His cheeks were as red as his eyes as he muttered something under his breath. It was something about how as a babysitter, she shouldn't be talking to him like that. Fenrich just told Corrin to get his butt back to them so the Drug Ring doesn't get to him.

"So, what brings you here?" Merchant Anna asked. "Make it quick. I have a transaction to complete."

"Leave the furball's group, or die." Fenrich ended up threatening.

"Hey, mutt! I'll do the talking!" Pit shouted.

"I can do it better." Shulk snarked as he stepped in while the angel messed with the werewolf. "Merchant Anna, we are looking for the least violent path to dealing with you. We have already removed Belphe and Dogor from the equation without the need to incite any violence. We were wondering if there would be a way to get you to leave without having to fight you."

Anna cocked a suspicious eyebrow. "Oh?"

"There's no need to shed blood in a conflict like this." Corrin added. "I know one of your sister's, and she would hate to see you hurt because of us. If there is anything we can do, please tell us."

"Ahh…you're the prince that saved my sister." She hummed. "Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to give you my offer. So, if you're not aware, Dark Mario has been making the most money out of us."

"He works really fast." The Magikarp salesman declared. "He sells crack faster than I can rip kids off into buying Magikarp!"

"Hush!" Anna hissed before continuing. "I need to figure out what's the secret to him making so much money in such a short amount of time. I want you to find Dark Mario and see what is making him rich. If it's an object you can carry, take it from him and bring it back to me. That is all I need to leave this industry for good."

That sounded simple enough. Corrin sighed in relief, but Shulk noticed information was still missing.

"Where is Dark Mario?"

"Not going to tell you without you giving me something I like." She hummed. "Money of course is good, but surprise me."

"Riki will give you a hug!" Riki declared happily.

"Nope. I can't stand Bana, so why would I want to hug you?"

"Oww…"

Zoni reached into her sleeve and pulled out a tentacle. "I have tentacle here!"

"Too many krakens in the Golden Land already…NEXT!"

Shulk considered stripping, but then changed his mind. He wasn't that desperate for information and neither was Fenrich. Roy offered a kiss, but she joked about having a husband that had more swag than him.

Anna was being picky with what she wanted in exchange on the location of Dark Mario. Pit may have had an idea where he would be, but they couldn't afford to be zipping around the galaxy while Bana was continuing to sell drugs to other innocent bystanders and murdering them when he had the chance. Sighing, the brunette turned to the dragon prince who was wondering what Anna would take.

"Corrin, strip." Pit ordered catching everyone off guard.

"W-What?!"

"With Rob kidnapped, you're the next person on the fanservice chain. That's the only reason you're even part of this group."

Corrin was confused with what the angel was talking about. Pit sighed again as he went over and grabbed at his waist. Corrin's clothes were difficult to take off, but it would be easier to strip him down.

"W-Why is it only me?!"

"Come on! You're wasting precious time and space on this document with your complaints."

Pit ended up taking his bow and turning it into two blades just to slice the bottom portion of Corrin's armor. If he just listened to Pit, he wouldn't have to deal with the embarrassing scene. The silver haired prince wasn't wearing underwear, so by cutting that portion away, his rear end was exposed. Corrin blushed as he covered his front before anyone saw it. He wanted to sit down, but Pit had no problem trying to ruin the rest of his armor.

"P-Please stop…A-Anna isn't a pervert!" Corrin cried. "She's a very nice lady in my world! She wouldn't want this!"

"Oh, you have no idea." Roy snarked. The one in his universe wasn't really unique in any way, but from what he heard from Rob, the one at the hot springs had mocked him for bathing alone as well as for another reason.

Anna was rather pleased with what Pit was trying to do even if the Drug Ring as a whole was far from impressed. When she was a perverted girl, she wanted to see some guy on guy action, but alas, money was a bigger priority than her dirty thoughts.

"Well, unlike my sister who was disappointed with the tactician's size, you look great in comparison." She complimented.

Pit tilted his head slightly before wanting to confirm what she was saying. He blushed once he saw Corrin's prick poke up despite trying to hide it under his cape.

 _Dang, he's huge…_

"S-Stop staring, please!" He cried as he was this close to just turning into a dragon if they were going to keep giving him the odd look.

"No, this is good." Anna hummed. "I enjoy some fanservice. I expect some pictures when things settle down."

Corrin whined as he begged Zoni to give him something to cover up. Why he asked her is a mystery. She was able to provide a cloth that magically fixed the damage that was done. It was best not to ask.

"First off, Dark Mario is in Isle Delfino." Anna said. "That should have been obvious given there are many Pinatas there."

"It could have been Rogueport." Roy brought up. "That's the shady place!"

"Dark Mario, has more authority in an area that is surrounded by water and not made of paper." The merchant teased. "Just bring me the money that he has gathered, and I'll happily leave without a fight. I'll disband my Drug Ring too."

"I seriously doubt that." Pit said out loud. "We just got to trust you though."

"Goood." Anna's eyes sparked when she gave them a Cheshire grin. The other guys failed to strip down like Pit attempted to do to Corrin. They had no intention of going above and beyond to get information from her…therefore she had no reason to tell them everything. Isle Delfino was going to be heavily guarded and booby trapped. If they weren't ready for combat, they could very well die in a parody story. "Well, you best be on your merry way. The sooner you get the money, the sooner I can leave!"

Corrin slapped Pit's hand away when he tried to help him up. He was pretty much done dealing with the brunette if he was going to keep harassing him. The dragon prince considered putting Pit in his debt later if he kept disrespecting him. They just needed to wait for Palutena to take them out of the Drug Ring.

While they waited for the Goddess of Light, Midoriko pondered her options. She loved Corrin like almost everyone in their universe, but she couldn't afford for Suzukaze to find out about her drug dealings. She had a slip every now and then, but if she got caught again, she would have her class changed and a spanking to boot.

 _I can't let Lord Corrin tattle to dad._ The little girl thought to herself. _I am so close to getting what I want and getting my hair permanently green. I…should tell that Bana guy…_

Once the odd group left, Midoriko dismissed herself from the Drug Ring in order to continue selling weed to her clients. The Merchant chuckled knowing she wasn't going to do that.

* * *

 **Me: TBC with 5785 words. Notes!**

 **1\. Given that Dino had no problem threatening a pregnant lady in DmC and then bragging about her death and describing the baby's death, what I write here is tame in comparison to that edgy writing.**

 **2\. The localization joke is a jab at 4Kids (Sonic X being the main example of censoring Maria's death which contradicts the canon of the entire franchise in Shadow's backstory). As much as the Treehouse should burn, they didn't change the words to hide the fact someone was going to die.**

 **3\. Daily reminder that Myths and Monster isn't canon to the Kid Icarus universe. Orcos had to attack Pit just to get him to remember in** _ **Gothic Galaxy**_ **.**

 **4\. Moguo is the Moogle you summon when you save your game on the world map. I chose this one because he's the one that gets pissed if you keep calling without doing anything. He then starts talking about sharpening a knife…**

 **5\. The Fates fandom latched onto the headcanon that Midoriko is a drug dealer due to selling herbs. I have no problem with this headcanon, but it also means messing with her canon character to be a little shit.**

 **That's it. Reviews are appreciated. Ja ne!**


End file.
